Man With World's Largest Penis Gets Wood

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 6 June 2009


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Man with world's largest penis (left), friends pitched a tent outside until structure fully erect.

JACKSON, WY - It's been more than two years since the man with the world's largest penis began erecting his new home with his own two bare hands. Near Jackson Hole in Northwest Wyoming, the newly completed house clearly indicates one thing: The man with the world's largest penis gets wood.

"I don't know, I've always just had a feel for it," he says. In fact, when he was just a normal teenager with one of the world's most normal sized penises, he says he was already "a whiz" in shop class - he claims his mother still uses the walnut toilet seat he carved for her to this day. "It's not as cold on her bum," he explains.

Things have apparently been growing in scale since shop class. The enormous Ranch-style home is a tribute, getting wood to shine in all its glory. It is built almost entirely of pine cleared from the lot - despite the repeated harassment of an angry mother bear who reportedly had the man with the world's largest penis scared "stiff as a board," as well as a pesky Bighorn sheep that kept ramming his backside.

Massive, exposed, rough-hewn, pine timber columns and rafters give an expansive sense of scale, while providing an intimate connection between the interior space and the out-of-doors.

Four-hundred thousand dollars worth of deep, African mahogany adorns the walls of the bar and billiards room. The rich, chocolaty tones are perfect for having cigars with friends while shooting some stick. Eight-ball in the side pocket, no kiss, just a touch of English. Sweet!

Sturdy bamboo was harvested for most of the flooring because of its ability to grow straight and long very quickly, mixing a hint of the traditional with a more forward-leaning, Earth-friendly flooring solution, and to eye-popping results.

Butter Holmes and Gardeners called the house "visually stunning, a tribute not only to the wood used in its erection, but also to the light that warms the space, and made it grow in the first place."

"Some people have called me the 'wood-whisperer'," said the man with the world's largest penis. "That's the thing about wood. Either you get it, or you don't.

"I just happen to be one of those people who gets it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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