'Kung Fu' Star Dies Practicing 'Forbidden Mantis' Technique

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 4 June 2009


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image for 'Kung Fu' Star Dies Practicing 'Forbidden Mantis' Technique
Martial artist demonstrating safer, less forbidden Mantis move. Note lack of 'mantis hook' in hands.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - American actor Billy Killadeen was found dead in his hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand today according to a report by Thai police.

Though his career as an actor began in the mid-60's, Killadeen became popular in the 70's for his work on the popular TV show "Kung Fu." Modern audiences may be more familiar with his work for Tarantino san Quentin, who cast him to play "Carradine" in the popular "Kill Carradine" films.

The police report suggests Killadeen was found naked in his closet in a chair with a nylon cord from the hotel's draperies wrapped around his body and neck, leading many to speculate the martial arts aficionado was practicing the "Forbidden Mantis" technique of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Believed to have originated in China's Bangdong province, this complex technique in the Northern Praying Mantis style involves masturbating with one hand hooked around the penis while the other hand's fingers are used to manipulate a rope or cord, administering a mild asphyxiation slightly before attaining orgasm, which some believe enhances its effect.

Friends noted that Killadeen's early work was not as an actor, but as an artist and sculptor, so he would have already been familiar with advanced "wood-working" techniques.

"When in Rome,... " said an old friend, trailing off as he shrugged his shoulders, then chuckling as he added, "I mean, the guy was in Bangkok of all places, you know?"

Killadeen was 72, indicating he was lucky to even still be able to get it up. Now, it would seem he's just another stiff.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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