Dog Once Again Unsuccessful in Mating

Funny story written by Kristin Dreyer Kramer

Monday, 11 February 2002

image for Dog Once Again Unsuccessful in Mating
He just wants to get his end away...well...they

After a number of recent attempts, Lyle and Cindy Bennet's Yorkie, Rocky, continues to fail in his attempts to mate with a human arm.

Rocky's most recent attempt was last night, when he approached Lyle's friend, Carl, who was seated on the living room floor. Carl hadn't been paying attention to the dog before the incident, when Rocky attacked his arm with the enthusiasm and energy of a felon who had been recently released from prison. Carl, who was disgusted by the dog's advances, reacted by quickly moving his arm, sending the disappointed dog flying across the living room. An apologetic Lyle then carried Rocky outside, where he scolded the dog and imprisoned him in their fenced-in back yard.

"We don't know what to do with Rocky anymore," says Cindy Bennet. "I mean, we don't want to destroy his self-confidence and spirit by telling him that his? um? playfulness is? um? ineffective because of his? uh? surgery? But we just can't have him attacking our friends like this."

The Bennets claim that their friends are beginning to avoid visiting them because of their amorous canine.

"Poor Rocky," says Lyle. "He tries so hard, but it's just not getting him anywhere."

The Bennets' pet has been known to attempt to pair up with a wide variety of unusual companions, including the pool table, the car, an African violet, and a male groundhog, whose refusal was especially damaging for Rocky - not only emotionally but also physically, since the unwilling groundhog was forced to claw and bite his way free.

Unfortunately, none of Rocky's rejections have been defeating enough to make him stop, and he continues to approach possible mates - both living and inanimate. And he appears to be nowhere near giving up his attempts to be the first canine to successfully mate with a human arm.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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