American Idol: "Bikini Girl" and Kara DioGuardi's Backstage Catfight

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 21 May 2009

image for American Idol: "Bikini Girl" and Kara DioGuardi's Backstage Catfight
Kara DioGuardi and Katrina Darrell "Bikini Girl" photographed at Simon Cowell's Mailibu Beach home.

HOLLYWOOD - In what one Hollywood reporter described as being the most intense catfight since the Katie Couric - Paris Hilton hair-pulling, fingernail-scratching altercation back in early December, Katrina Darrell, better known as Bikini Girl jumped American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi backstage after the American Idol finale in the Nokia Theater.

Tinsel Town Golden Revue Magazine's Praline Portabella said that she has been covering American Idol since season one and she said she's never ever seen such an instant outburst of anger, animosity, and downright musical hatred.

Portabella said that compared to the two "K" girls (Katrina and Kara), Joan Rivers and Annie Duke are a couple of elderly Vatican nuns.

She said that she remembers season two of American Idol when eventual winner Ruben Studdard suddenly and without provocation body slammed Clay Aiken during the making of one of the Ford commercials.

She also remarked that she remembers that during AI's season three that Fantasia Barrino, LaToya London, and Jennifer Hudson got into a verbal and physical altercation with Diana DeGarmo, Jasmine Trias, and Camile Velasco.

The producers of American Idol did everything within their power to put a lid on that incident which Ryan Seacrest later referred to in his book I'm The Next Dick Clark, Just Ask Me as "An all out racialesque feud between a trio of black girls and a trio of non-black girls."

Seacrest wrote in chapter nine, entitled This Here Be My Comb and Don't Cha Be Touchin' It Beeatch that from the very beginning of season three, Fantasia knew she would be the eventual winner.

She even borrowed $50 from a stage hand and she bet on herself. She told everyone who would listen that there was just no way that she was going to lose to someone the likes of George Huff, Jon Peter Lewis, or Ling Chow Ping Pong.

In the latest American Idol backstage catfight incident which the media has dubbed The Latest American Idol Backstage Catfight Incident Katrina reportedly grabbed Kara's bikini top actually pulling it completely off of her and exposing her attractive-looking size 36-B bazonkers (majonkers).

Kara then kicked Bikini girl in her bikini region causing her to bend over and scream her friggin' head off in a way that only Tatiana Del Toro could appreciate.

Kit Kat then took a Revlon Really Really Red Lipstick, which she had hidden in her bikini bottom, she grabbed DioGuardi in a headlock, and proceeded to write the words 'white slut' on the American Idol judge's forehead.

Kara then kicked Bikini Girl in her lap of luxurious luxury causing the tanned and glittered one to again scream her freakin' head off.

Judge Kara then somehow managed to wrestle the lipstick away from the crazed, bikini-clad, suntanned twangers showcasing Katrina, and literally body-slammed her onto the backstage floor, which on a hardness scale of 1 to 10 is a 10.

The 38-year-old DioGuardi, which in Greek means, 'Gal who does not take diddly squat from no man, woman, or Greek mythology creature' then put her cute-looking right foot on Bikini Girl's left globe (left ga-ga).

She then reached down and with the lipstick wrote across Katrina's well-endowed and ultra sensuously sensuous chest the words, 'These puppies are not real, they are store-bought, I repeat, they are store-bought.'

And just as DioGuardi finished crossing the last 'T' Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Lionel Richie, Keith Urban, Clay Aiken, Sir Paul McCartney, President Barack Obama, and Rod Stewart all happened by.

They saw what was going on and they all put down their Cokes, Coke Zeros, Beer, Diet Cokes, and Papaya Margarita (Clay) and they proceeded to break up the free-for-all which had now escalated into a one hellacious, out-of-control, friggin' free-for-all.

Randy, Simon, and Lionel grabbed Bikini Girl, Keith, Sir Paul, and President Obama grabbed Kara DioGuardi, and Rod grabbed Clay.

While Lionel was holding on to Bikini Girl's waist Randy and Simon were snapping pictures left and right with their cell phones.

And while Keith and Sir Paul were holding on to Kara's hips the president was talking on his cell phone to Michelle and saying, "Honeycakes, you ain't gonna believe where I am and what two famous gorgeous-looking things your beloved husband and/or president is lookin' at while he's talking at ya as we speak and that's what I'm talkin' about mama."

As soon as President Obama hung up his phone, 18 secret service agents stepped in and managed to seperate all of the males from the females and Rod from Clay.

LAPD showed up and escorted the two "K" girls to two waiting police cars.

Reports are that Kara DioGuardi was quickly released after posting bail of $15. But Bikini Girl was placed in a holding cell where she was awaiting having her mug shot taken, being fingerprinted, and most probably strip searched several times to make sure she wasn't concealing an illegal microphone or something.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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