Newt Gingrich Still Smarting from '99 Pelosi Water Boarding

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 16 May 2009

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"Of COURSE I knew about water boarding," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I used it on Newt Gingrich."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Yesterday, Newt Gingrich delivered a blistering critique of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, calling her, "vicious," "trivial," and "a liar." He wants her investigated because he insists she knows more than she lets on about the Bush administration's use of water boarding techniques for interrogation purposes.

Nancy Pelosi says, "Of course I do. It would seem Mr. Gingrich has a very selective memory."

Pelosi claims she used the controversial technique on Gingrich himself to get him to admit to cheating on his wife back in 1999. Moreover, she says she implemented water boarding to "teach him a lesson." At the time of the affair, she noted, Gingrich was at the forefront of a crusade to have President Clinton removed from office on the premise that his fib under oath about a private sexual indiscretion rose to the level of an impeachable offense. For that, Pelosi says, "He [Gingrich] deserved it."

She also stated that she believes the holier-than-thou hellion, who once "discussed divorce terms with [his first wife] while she was recuperating in the hospital from cancer surgery," may have another water boarding coming. She says he seems to have forgotten some other important things as well.

In referring to Pelosi's failure to admit what she knows about the Bush administration's use of water boarding techniques, Gingrich is quoted as having said, "I think this is the most despicable, dishonest and vicious political effort I've seen in my lifetime."

With a cold, blank stare, Pelosi explained that Mr. Gingrich seems to have conveniently forgotten about the time nearly a decade and a half ago when he told a room full of reporters that he had shut down the entire federal government because Bill Clinton had made him sit at the back of a plane on a trip to Israel.

Stiffening in her chair, Pelosi also noted that, when many Democrats were trying to impeach Bush on the grounds that he had misled the American people regarding the existence of WMD's in Iraq, as well as for his suspension of the American Constitution in order to tap wires without a warrant, she refused to take part in a politically motivated impeachment that she believed would distract the country from important business.

Shaking her fists for emphasis, she pointed out that she had continued to resist the movement toward impeachment until the matter was finally dropped, unlike Gingrich, who jumped at the opportunity to impeach Clinton, personally spearheading the crusade.

Suddenly rising to her feet, her nostrils flaring, Pelosi snapped, "He's just jealous anyway, because I'm a popular House Speaker!! I wasn't asked to leave by my party, like you-know-who over there!"

Indeed, Pelosi has been elected 11 times since her political career began, by more than 75% of the vote, and she's lent her popularity to Democratic candidates in 30 states. She has remained popular as Speaker of the House, unlike Gingrich, who was considered a serious liability to the Republican party after holding the same position for less than five years.

"He's a trivial, dishonest, vicious, despicable liar!" Pelosi spat with a glare, shrinking slowly back into her chair as she spoke of the man who had 84 ethics charges filed against him during his term. "And a petty one, at that!"

She paused, her hands beginning to quiver a bit as a dark cloud passed over her countenance. "You know, I feel like water boarding him again right now," she breathed gleefully.

"Please excuse me," she said as she arose once more and, with a curtsey, brought the meeting to an abrupt halt as she scurried away, dribbling a bit of saliva in the doorway as she skipped feverishly out into the hall.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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