GUATEMALA CITY - The president of Guatemala Jose Juan Jose "Timmy" De Los Platanos has just issued a world-wide statement that his country plans to invade Mexico next Tuesday.
De Los Platanos said that he is tired of the wind blowing the swine flu germs from Mexico southward into his flu-free country. He then corrected himself by saying, into my ONCE FLU-FREE COUNTRY!!!
He remarked that last year when Mexico complained about the illegal alien problem (Guatemalans sneaking into Mexico) he responded by quickly moving to take care of the problem.
And his solution became known in Guatemala as "The President "Timmy" De Los Platanos Three-Part Provisions To Curb The Guatemalan Illegal Alien Problem." And the three provisions were:
- If a Guatemalan citizen is caught trying to illegally enter Mexico he (or she) will be arrested and brought back to Guatemala and fined 10,000 pesos ($3 U.S.).
- If she (or he) cannot pay the fine, then they will have to work in the Presidential Palace as a cook, gardener, maid, janitor, Chihuahua dog walker, mechanic, burro brander, or computer geek for three years (free).
- Or they can be given a one-way ticket to the North Pole where the average yearly temperature is minus 29 and the illegal alien (Guatemalan) will most probably end up feezing his (or her) ass off in roughly nine and a half minutes.
De Los Platanos has already briefed the commander of the Guatemalan military forces General Lucas Cabo San Queso, Jr.
He has been informed that the Guatemalan Expeditionary Forces will first invade the Caribbean coastal resort city of Cozumel, destroying the very profitable tourism trade.
Next they will move up the Yucatan coast and invade the resort city of Cancun, destroying the very profitable tourism trade.
Then the six ranked army (behind the United States, England, China, North Korea, and Zimbabwe) will proceed up the Caribbean coast, taking a left at The Gulf of Mexico and marching toward Campeche City, which is home to the biggest pinata factory in the world.
The Guatemalan army will completely destroy the pinata factory leveling it to the ground and burning every single burro, toro, Corona beer bottle, and Chihuahua dog pinata.
Campeche City is known throughout Mexico as "Refried City" because her citizens can refry everything from sardines, cauliflower, and pico de gallo (hot sauce) to Raisin Bran Cereal, popcorn, and cerveza (beer).
President De Los Platanos has said that once the Guatemalan army captures Campeche City, he will ask the President of Mexico to surrender.
De Los Platnos hopes that the Mexican president surrenders, but if he doesn't then he will direct his army to march into Mexico City and focus on destroying some of Mexico's pride and joy structures.
And some of these structures include the world famous Maracas Museum which was built in 1583.
Also included will be several Kentucky Fried Pollo Restaurants and the huge 500,000 square foot Factoria Tia Maria (Aunt Mary Factory), which is the largest serape manufacturing plant in North America. Aunt Mary puts out one adult serape every 1.9 seconds.
The Guatemalan army will also destroy The Mexican Jumping Bean Building which is home to The Mexican Bullfighting Museum and Hall of Bullfighting Records.
This museum includes photos, relics, trophies, newpaper clippings, bullfight posters, matador jockstraps, baby bullfighting shoes, pantyhose, bull's ears, and used band-aids that belonged to well known bullfighters such as Paco "TacoMan" Beisbol, who was just inducted into the Mexican Bullfighters Hall of Fame last year.
Another famous matador who has hundreds of bullfighting items, momentos, and knick-knacks in the museum is Juanito "El Gigantic Groin" Del Avocado, who has won the coveted Matador MVP for the last three years in a row.
And yet another of the toreros (bullfighters) is Toluca native Volcanico "Burrito Boy" Longoria-Youngblood, who in just one year killed 217 fighting bulls, including four one foggy November night with his 2002 Toyota Tacoma Pickup Truck.
President De Los Platanos says that he plans on emailing Mexican President Winslow one last time and asking him to surrender like a gentleman.
He says that this way he (De Los Platanos) can call off the Guatemalan invasion of Mexico, which if he doesn't it will certainly and most probably hurt the tourism business even more than the swine flu, the drug cartel wars, the erupting volcanoes, the shaking-like-hell earthquakes, the national pinata recall, or the refried bean shortage all already have.
In a related story. Mexican born actress Salma Hayek, who recently married Francois Henri Pinault, a French billionaire, has reportedly texted Guatemalan President "Timmy" Del Los Platanos and told him what she will do if he proceeds with his planned invasion of Mexico on Tuesday.
The fiery, fiesty, and fabulously fine-figured Salma has said that she has already finalized financial plans to pay the Central American countries of Honduras, El Salvador, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Panama $2 trillon pesos each ($60,000 U.S.) to have their armies invade Guatemala on Wednesday.