Handicapped Woman Goes The Extra Mile For Pity, Gets None

Funny story written by Vondrook

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Lauren Saunders hobbled and groaned her way across the UniTrust Bank parking lot where she works to pick up a piece of trash, hoping that others would see and hear her dedication and bravery.

Saunders, a 42 year old partial amputee, had the lower half of her right leg removed back in 1992 due to a skiing accident, and she does not let people ever forget it.

"Every day," said Carol Bertram, one of Saunder's co-workers, "Every single freakin' day, she spouts out some reference about how she barreled into a pine tree over a decade ago."

Upon nearing the trash in the parking lot, Saunders bent and moaned slowly to pick up the discarded deposit slip, while employees inside the bank watched with rolling eyes.

The general consensus at the UniTrust Bank is that Saunders will do anything for pity. Harry Farthing, manager of the branch spoke on Saunders' unrelenting handicap reminders. "When you first meet her, you feel a little pity for her, then you forget about it and treat her as an equal, then she keeps telling you over and over how she 'struggles', and eventually, you end up hating her."

Once getting into the bank, Saunders stood in the doorway and held up the piece of trash triumphantly.

"As if she saved the fucking planet," Bertram remarked to reporters.

Saunders tossed the slip in the recycling bin and took a seat at her station and began to gripe to Carol Bertram. "We are trying to care about our environment here," Saunders told Bertram, who tried to look busy by doodling at her desk. "We all have to do our part," she went on, "and even though I am missing half of my leg, I am trying to make a difference. You won't even see a person with their two full legs go across the parking lot to pick up an aluminum can, let alone a deposit slip."

"That's the genius of her complaining," Bertram disclosed to reporters. "She hides behind some cause and then makes it about her. I remember when she bought cookies from a girl scout troupe out front of the bank, and she made the little girl carry the single box of Thin Mints to her car, saying her phantom foot pains were terrible that day."

The employees at UniTrust Bank are completely out of pity for Saunders, and their feelings have boiled over into contempt. "See this styrofoam cup of coffee from 7-11 I'm drinking," said Harry Farthing, "Don't be surprised if you see it in the parking lot at the end of the day."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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