Middle-Aged Man Gets Midday Drunk In Kiddie Pool

Funny story written by Vondrook

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Harvey Winters, 46, of Albany NY spent his afternoon on his front lawn, drinking alcohol to excess in a half-full kiddie pool.

Harvey, who is twice divorced, made his presence known to neighbors at 12:03 in the p.m. by clattering a 24-pack of long-neck Budweisers alongside his rickety lawn chair and set up camp for the day. The kiddie pool in question had sporadic leaves and grass clippings floating atop it's water line, which did not stop Harvey from dipping his feet in and cracking open his first beer at 12:05.

Neighbors on his block avoided Harvey, but felt no hesitation in criticizing him from a distance. Madeline Faulkner, 64, who lives across the street from Harvey stated to reporters, "It's a little unsettling to see a grown man getting drunk in a children's pool, but I don't think he has his kids over this weekend, so..."

Madeline's husband, Terry, was mowing his lawn on the afternoon in question. "I was trying to get the motor started on my mower, and I look across the street and there's Harvey smiling at me and waving, as if he isn't wearing a greasy undershirt and getting shit-faced on his front lawn at noon. All I could do was look away and shake my head." Terry got the motor running shortly thereafter, and tried his best to avoid eye contact with Harvey for the rest of the day.

As the day went on, and the appearance of more empty bottles floated in the pool, Harvey committed more and more of his body into the pool as well. By 6:45, with the sun beginning to dip below the horizon, Harvey was nearly fully immersed into the pool, his knees bent and sticking out of the water, his head resting on the edge, still able to drink his beer into the early evening.

Walter Rawlings, a neighbor to Harvey's right expressed concern. "Once he got into that pool, I kinda worried that he might pass out and drown, but at about 8:00 or so he got out." Walter was correct; Harvey did survive his kiddie-pool drunk without incident, but Walter made another point. "Now, what really worries me," he told us, "is that throughout the entire day, I never once saw him go inside to use the bathroom. Not once."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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