Whittier, California - Taking pressure off illegal aliens from the blame game of stealing jobs and resources from Americans for a change, giving BBC war correspondents a break from their coverage of the bloody conflict in Afghanistan and laying off the valuable insight economic media consultants have on this, the eve of the Greatest Depression since the Greatest Depression, the mainstream media has instead parked a caravan of retractable telescopic broadcast tower equipped news vans outside the residence of the mother that gave birth to Octuplets in Whittier, California.
Opening up with what has become their favorite morning, afternoon and evening news lead of the day. You know, the one. It immediately precedes the adopt a rescued dog from your local animal shelter segment. Yes, that one. The one that faints interest in the health of the Octuplet babies in order to get to the real heart of the story: their never under reported mother who is an unwed, unemployed and an undergraduate psychology major.
While the media claims they have hardly done a thing but their jobs, other say they have fanned the flames of hatred and hypocrisy which has resulted in death threats to the mother of so many children on government relief.
"I just love those babies, but I can't stand their mother. She's a bitch!" says Palma Myers, a news viewer who is somewhat confused at the moment by all the conflicting reporting done on the Octuplets by the mainstream media lately. "Oh, but I do love to look at those innocent little faces. They all look so lovely. Like tiny little angels sent down to us from Heaven. They're a reminder to us all that miracles can still happen in modern times, you know. Oh, but I do hope their mother rots in Hell. I'll bet my next months social security check that Beelzebub has a devil set aside just for her."
"What the bloody hell?" said Walter Clark, a war correspondent for the BBC by satellite phone when he was informed that his coverage of the battlefront war on terrorism along the Afghani and Pakistani boarder was cut for a background story on the Octuplets. "My cameraman nearly got his foot shot clean off while getting great footage to accompany my story on the military's advancement on an encampment of suspicious looking goat herders. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love babies and all that. I really do. But so what? Any body can have eight bloody babies. Wait a minute. Did you say eight? What?! And she's not married or working but on government relief? Bloody hell! Fly me back to London immediately I got to cover that story. After all, it's just that kind of crap that can get me a bloody Pulitzer for investigative journalism; or something even better, the anchor chair."
"Listen everybody!" announced Juan Rodrigo, an undocumented migrant farm worker from his stool in a bar that is the local watering hole and hangout for Border Patrol agents as he watches the Octuplet story unfold on TV. "It sounds to me like a milagro [miracle]. What do you hombres [guys] think?!"
Rodrigo then stood up on the bar to better address the tavern filled with law enforcement officials.
"Think about it," said Rodrigo, as he pulls out his valid driver's license from Mexico flashing it to all the patrons. "Back in my country, when a woman can conceive that many children and doesn't have a husband to speak of, she is either, what we call a P[censored], or the Guadalupe (Virgin Mary). I'm sorry, but I just had to say. I just had to say."
"Hey, wait a minute!" yelled out a law enforcement officer as he made his way through the crowd from the back of tavern to the front, reaching up and pulling Rodrigo down from the bar. "Don't you guys see what's going on here? Rodrigo is right!"
With that cheers, shot glasses and mugs of beer rose up in the air.
"Put Rodrigo's drinks on my tab," said the law enforcement officer as her toasted Rodrigo. "Drink up Rodrigo, my amigo. They're all on me tonight. Say you look like a smart fellow. How would you like a job?"
"Your job?" responded Rodrigo, looking somewhat surprised and eager at the same time.
Meanwhile, back at TheSpoof.Com news desk (perhaps the last bastion of responsible journalism left in the world), the automated calling center took a phone message from a leading Oxford economists, warning of dire consequences should President Obama's economic stimulus package fail to work.
The following is a transcript of that important message:
"[BEEP - Answering Machine] Is this bloody thing recording? Oh well, you never can tell. Would anyone like to see my cost projections for raising the Octupletes?" said the Oxford economist. "I got pie charts and graphs. Okay then, anybody interested in the economy? How we are all in a double-decker bus that is driven by a drunken Irishman who's singing 'Tura-Lura-Lural' while heading straight over the White Cliffs of Dover? No. I didn't think so. Well, listen love; I'll have get back to you later. As I speak there's some breaking news on Octuplets coming over the Tele right now. It must be important because the BBC just interrupted a live feed of a firefight on the Afghani and Pakistani boarder with some suspicious looking goat herders. Oh my, but they do look suspicious. Sorry, I got to run now. Bye. Oh just look at those babies. They're simply adorable. Too bad they got a [censored] for a Mum. She should be locked up in the London Tower and the key thrown away. [BEEP - Answering Machine]."