In a private ceremony at the Lincoln Memorial, former Vice President Dick Cheney officially passed the puppet strings to television talk show Goddess Oprah Winfrey. After taking the oath of office of Puppet Master, Winfrey officially tied the strings to the limbs and head of Barack Obama.
Oprah is the first woman to hold the official title of Puppet Master since Eleanor Roosevelt controlled the strings late in the FDR administration. She is also the first woman to control the strings who is not the wife of the President. In events of a weak or ill President, the strings have historically most often been held by the Vice President.
A smiling Oprah looked at reporters and said "I paid enough for him to win this election. I earned these!"
New Secretary of State Hillary Clinton refused to attend the ceremony, saying publically that "those should have been my strings to pull!"
From his Texas ranch, former President George "Dubya" Bush said "there was strings? No wonder I had trouble crossing my legs when I had to pee really bad."
Oprah Winfrey has approved this message.
