Colorado Springs, Colorado - (Ass Mess): Pastor Ted Haggard is on his uppers and strapped for cash. The former evangelical minister is appealing to former congregation members for donations to finance his paranormal studies at the Phoenix Dream Center, a faith-based halfway house that reconditions born-again heterosexuals after orgiastic crystal meth-fuelled orgasmfests with brawny male hookers.
"Truss me folks," Haggard said today, "all that gay sex stuff is behind me now.
"I'm completely cured of the filth that Satan tempted me with.
"And when I graduate from my masters degree I plan to counsel confused adoloscent youths who fall into the same gay mythology trap that erodes their heterosexual manhood.
"In the meantime I sure could no with some cash. Quite a lot of cash actually.
"Otherwise I may have to send my lovely wife Latreena onto the streets to pay for our living expenses.
"You surely don't want THAT on your consciences, do you?"
