Pastor Ted Haggard's Three-Week Total Body Success Plan for Complete Heterosexuality

Funny story written by Marika Josephson

Sunday, 4 March 2007


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My Dear Megachurch Flock,

I feel compelled to speak to you on this day to repent for my sins, to restore myself to your good opinion, and to appeal to your eternal generosity by asking you to contribute to the Megachurch Fund for Pastor Ted Haggard's Three-Week Total Body Success Plan for Complete Heterosexuality. Pastor Ted Haggard's three-week plan is the only total-body plan, and with the help of your neighbors, your loved ones, a strong will and a valid credit card, you or someone you love will soon be on the road to complete heterosexual success.

Since making my miraculous conversion public, many people have asked me, "Pastor Ted, you have done something in three weeks that most people have not been able to do in a lifetime-that some even claim is biologically impossible. What's your secret?" Well, my children, it's no secret at all. Listen, as I tell you about my own personal revelation.

After falling from the heavenly graces just a few months ago, I started on an ancient homo-demon eradication plan that had been prescribed in the times of the great kings. I spent 40 days and 40 nights lifting weights, eating raw steak, and watching 24-hour loops of Girls Gone Wild. Sure, my thighs were getting more defined, but something felt wrong. The college girls still just looked like colorful, perky water balloons, and all I wanted was my weight trainer's ass. And not in the way Jesus intended.

So suddenly one day I bolted from the gym (and Justin's magnificently iron-like forearms), and as I was floundering in a daze on the sidewalk I ran into an old friend. His name resembled one of the ancient prophets, and I knew he had come to give me a sign. So I called out to him: "Aaron Who Gave Me Syphilis Even Though He Swore He Was A Virgin And Who's Going To Hell Anyway Because He Never Puts Enough Money In The Collection Plate On Sunday-what are you doing here?"

"Pastor Ted!" he exclaimed. "You look like a wreck! Your gym shorts are so long and baggy, and you have developed an odor that reminds me of a high school locker room. Your hair is unkempt and you are wearing a Bronco's sweatshirt. What plagueth thou?"

I said unto him, "Aaron Who Gave Me Syphilis, I am trying to find my way back to heteronormativity, and I will not stop until I am a complete heterosexual!"

"But, Pastor Ted," he replied, "can anyone ever be a complete heterosexual?"

"Aaron Who Only Gives Eight Percent Of His Salary To The Church," I proclaimed, "I can see why you are skeptical. You're asking me if I miss the biceps, the rock-hard abs, the leathery, yet supple skin, and generally just getting it on with a partner who has a penis. But my friend, don't you see? If you close your eyes and turn your wife over so that she looketh unto the bedpost, in your mind she much beareth the likeness of Brad Pitt."

But just as I had spoken these words, I heard a thunderous voice from above. 'Twas the Lord: "Ted! Stop thy shilly-shallying! If thou shalt be a Complete Heterosexual, thou shalt not do unto women as thou would liketh to do unto men."

And it was then that I knew what had to be done.

So the next day Jesus came to me in the form of a vaso-endocrinologist who offered to sever my testicles and extract my hormones and reproductive organs, so that not only would I rid myself of my attraction to men, I would never more be attracted to any living being who had ever walked the earth.

Has it worked? You be the judge.

Men and women now appear to me like stone-cold bricks capable of no more erotic feeling than one feels toward a stop sign, and even sturdy, muscular stallions when seen from the rear no longer have any effect on me beyond that normal longing that I'm sure even Jesus himself was guilty of.

And let me tell you, the last three weeks of vaso-rectal surgery has felt like three years-even an eternity's worth of treatment. But have no fear, my children, Jesus is starting to put me back together. It's amazing how just eradicating yourself of testosterone and various parts of your brain can make you wonder why you tried so hard to hide those Muscle & Fitness magazines between the pages of your Good News Bible. It really does seem ridiculous to me now-now that all living human shapes have the sexual attraction of concrete-reinforced steel girders.

Naysayers, of course, may argue that without any sexual organs and with no tangible attraction to anything at all, I am neither homo- nor heterosexual. But then, what do the naysayers make of the Virgin Mary? Would they really have us believe that any woman in her right mind wouldn't jump on a man who had been sweating over a shepherd's pole, bronzing under the Mediterranean sun all day? And yet? A virgin. When two and two don't make four, sometimes you just have to say to yourself, Hey, maybe two went under the knife and took out her uterus and fallopian tubes and maybe that's why she never got it on with Joseph.

So don't be fooled by other people who claim to have been shown the light, just because they offer to take you to a female strip club, and for just ten dollars more, they'll throw in a free beer bong. That is only the way to half-asseth thy heterosexuality. Pastor Ted Haggard's 3-Week Total Body Success Plan is the only comprehensive plan for complete heterosexuality. I believe it was Exodus 24:1-5 in which God said unto Moses, "To stoppeth thou must choppeth."

Imagine, dear megachurch flock, somewhere out there a little boy in a gym locker room cries as he slips into a t-shirt wondering where those feelings come from, and why he lives them alone. Shouldn't he have the same aspirations as all of the other boys? With your loving help and donations, one day all little children will be able to dream of a world in which they too can surgically remove their genitals.

In the most heterosexual and yet most platonic of love,

Pastor Ted

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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