MEXICO CITY, Mexico - The Republic of Mexico is basically under siege from lawless criminal gangs and drug cartels.
Assaults on Mexico's police officers has become a daily occurence. The judicial infrastructure is in total dissaray. And the once highly lucrative Mexican jumping bean industry has gone to hell.
Mexico's President Nacho Winslow is considering asking that the United States send combat troops immediately. He stated, "The damn drug cartels have better weapons that our military soldiers.
The Cabo San Lucas Cartel has weapons that are exactly like those that the American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are using.
And The Baja California Cartel has just purchased an aircraft carrier from Russia. It is getting a little bit out of hand as you can see."
Mexico's Ambassador to the United States Gizmo 'Enchilada' Fondue remarked, "If the United States does not help us soon, then American beer drinkers will no longer be able to buy Corona Beer.
And Mexican beers like Dos Equis, Carta Blanca, and Tecate may no longer be available at Safeway, Kroger, or Taco Bell."
Fondue sipping on a Dos Equis and licking the guacamole off of a nacho added, "Hey my dear Americano amigos, anyway you look at it, the situation ain't worth a chit (sic)."
The drug violence and drug corruption has reached epidemic proportions. The Refried Bean Cartel, one of Mexico's most infamous drug cartels has already purchased The Jose Cuervo Tequila Company.
And it is presently in negotiations to buy PeMex (the Mexican petroleum company), JuMex (The Mexican juice Company), and SexMex (The Mexican prostitution industry).
And to add to the already dismal situation, the sombrero industry reports that sombrero sales are down by 80 percent.
Pancho 'Panchito' De Los Toros, president and CEO of The El Somber Sombrero Company said that last year at this time we were exporting 14,000 regular big ass sombreros to America weekly.
Today, that number has gone down to 83. Americanos are buying Nike caps, ten gallon hats, Dallas Cowboy caps, berets, do-rags, and toupees. We are having to export our sombreros to Italy where they are using them as pizza carriers.
De Los Toros added, "Yes, in the 30 years that I have been in the sombrero business I have never seen such pitiful sales. Even Santa's hats are selling better than Mexican sombreros."
The drug cartel wars has even affected Mexico's most famous sport, bullfighting. One of Mexico's most popular matadors, Calixto 'Bull Balls' Pacifico was approached this past December 28, by Yucatan's Chimichanga Cartel and told to throw a bullfight.
Another bullfigher Maximo Juarez-Jones who is only 21, was approached by the Huevos Rancheros Cartel and told to fake an injury or risk having his tamale tucked and his walnuts silenced...euphemisms for weiner and onions.
Mexico is having to take desperate measures in the war against the drug cartels. President Winslow has recalled Mexico's battleship, The MS Montezuma's Revenge, which had been on naval war game maneuvers up in the Norwegian Sea off the coast of Iceland.
The commander of The Montezuma's Revenge Captain JoJo 'Frito Pie' Rumarosa told his wife Zsa Zsa in a text message, "Honey, I sure do miss your beautiful, firm, and tasty maracas (tits). Iceland is one damn cold cut country.
My muchachos (guys) are tired of being up her and freezing their ashtrays (asses) off...I'll see you soon muneca (doll) and remember don't let nobody play with your maracas (boobs) while I'm gone, especially my unemployed cousin Paco and his sexy-as-hell lesbian wife Blanquita."
So as of today, Vegas is giving 3 to 1 odds that Mexico will fold before May 5th...Cinco de Mayo.
In related news. USA Today is reporting that Mexican born film actress Salma Hayek has called up President Winslow and offered to lend Mexico $200,000 at 0% interest.
