Lou Dobbs May Actually Be An Illegal Mexican Immigrant

Funny story written by R-Mania

Monday, 22 October 2007

image for Lou Dobbs May Actually Be An Illegal Mexican Immigrant
Luis Dobalez before he allegedly immigrated to the U.S. and became Lou Dobbs

NEW YORK -- Lou Dobbs, the host of CNN's Lou Dobbs Tonight, has what might be described as a Mexican fetish, often shouting uncontrollably at his guests and viewers about the evils of Mexican immigration. But evidence continues to accumulate suggesting Dobbs himself is actually an illegal alien from Mexico by the name of Luis Dobalez.

An old photograph, shown on the right, has surfaced that allegedly depicts Dobbs before he immigrated to the United States. The name "Luis Dobalez" is scribbled on the back of the photo, which was anonymously mailed to CNN from Mexico, along with a brief history of Dobbs' time in Mexico and decision to immigrate to the U.S. and undergo plastic surgery to assume the identity of a crotchety old white guy. Before his employment at CNN, there are no records of Dobbs having a house, bank account, or anything else to suggest he resided in the U.S. An investigation is now underway to determine if he forged documents such as his driver's license and birth certificate.

Some suggest that Dobb's obsessive ranting about immigration may be derived from his paranoia about being found out.

"It's like the classic case of a very vocal homophobe who turns out to be gay," said one analyst.

The photograph is only the most recent in a long line of suspicious incidents that have called Dobbs' true identity into question. Two years ago, several crew members on Lou Dobbs Tonight reported that he screamed "hijo de puta!" ("son of a bitch!") during a commercial break after getting a paper cut. Dobbs claimed it was no different from an American who occasionally says "adios" instead of "goodbye." However, one of the crew members, himself a Mexican immigrant, said that Dobbs' accent was indistinguishable from that of a native Mexican. Dobbs, astonished to learn one of his own crew members was Mexican, immediately fired him after recovering from a mild stroke.

A year later, fellow CNN broadcaster Larry King looked through Dobbs' iPod after he left it on his desk one day and found nothing but ranchera songs. Dobbs again defended himself, asserting that he was only listening to this traditional Mexican music to better "know the enemy."

On his program last night, Dobbs made a somewhat confusing statement concerning the accusations against him:

"These attacks are being made on me without a shred of evidence to back them up. I am not an illegal immigrant. I am not a Mexican. I have never been to Mexico. I have never even eaten a burrito or gotten a tan. If you watch my program, then you are familiar with my stance on the issue of immigration. You know very well that, if I were a Mexican immigrant, an illegal one no less, I would promptly return to my homeland so that a hard-working American could rightfully have my job for better pay."

Some interpret the next part of Dobbs' statement as an outright confession:

"And Pedro, if you're watching this, I know I still owe you 3,000 pesos. I'm going to pay you. Stop sending incriminating photos of me to America. Pendejo."

Dobbs continued to raise eyebrows later in the show during an argument with a caller. The caller reminded Dobbs of the evidence against him and repeatedly accused him of being a liar and a hypocrite. Finally pushed to his limit, a frustrated Dobbs screamed "Chupe mantequilla de mi culo! Tu madre tiene un bigote!" ("Suck butter from my ass! Your mother has a mustache!")

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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