Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 9 October 2008


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image for Martha Stewart Crashes Howard Stern's Wedding

Though the actual ceremony dates remained a closely guarded secret by the Stern Show and family, domestic-arts queen, Martha Stewart, had apparently crashed the wedding ceremony at its most inopportune moment.

Bursting through the door of the restaurant which housed the eclectic assortment of guests, Stewart interrupted the proceedings just as the Reverend Mark Consuelos, husband to Kelly Ripa, had asked if anyone objected to the union of Howard to Beth Ostrosky.

"Yes, I object", Stewart reportedly shouted. "I cannot in good faith allow for this wedding to continue." As body guards and other guests moved towards Stewart to stop the outburst, she continued. "I love you Howard. I've always loved you. We were meant to be together and I know you can feel it too."

Guests stood in shock while Stern remained inside the "Hopa" with Ostrosky, both speechless. Stewart continued begging while seven men surrounded her and pushed her towards the exit. "Please Howard, you were the only one who could talk to me about sex. You touched me. There was a connection. I know you felt it. Please!"

Insiders told reporters after the ceremony, that Stewart had been a guest on the Stern Show months before, and was probed about her own sex life. Stern had mentioned on the air, "I bet you used to be hot, baby." Long time manager Gary Dell'Abate commented. "Clearly she misinterpreted Howard's comments. She's like what, 66 years old? Ew."

Carried out horizontally and still struggling, Stewart accidentally swung her arm between the legs of one unnamed body guard. With an initial surprised look, a gentle squeeze and a follow up smile, Stewart was heard asking, "Excuse me. Are you single and/or available?"

Stern and Ostrosky finished the remainder of their vows without incident. Stewart was seen leaving the location with a large man in a black suit.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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