Ticked Off McCain Dumps Palin As Running Mate

Written by Stefano M. Stefano

Saturday, 4 October 2008

image for Ticked Off McCain Dumps Palin As Running Mate
He looks calm...

Hot on the heels of the Vice-Presidential debate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain (the really old-looking one), has dumped his Vice-Presidential running mate, Alaskan governor Sarah Palin.

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" McCain yelled from the porch of one of his six or seven houses. "And you reporters get off my lawn while you're at it! Go play ball in Al Gore's yard!"

When the assembled press countered that it was McCain, himself, who called this impromptu press conference, McCain replied, "D'OH! Okay, here's the straight talk express talking down to you, the American people; Sarah Palin sucks! And she's out on her keester!"

When he attempted to leave, reporters barraged him with questions, so McCain relented, sitting down in his rocking chair to explain, his old bones snapping, crackling, and popping as he sat down.

"Did you see the debate? Who the hell was that?! That wasn't the Sarah Palin I chose! That wasn't the Sarah Palin that couldn't name a single magazine she'd read to Katie Couric! That wasn't the Sarah Palin that thought she had foreign affairs experience with Russia and that she could see Russia from her house, even though Wasilla and Anchorage are 600 miles inland from the shoreline of Alaska, not to mention the Bering Strait water between the state and Russia! My God, even Superman can't see that far! Where was the Sarah Palin who went to church and took part in a ceremony that rejected witchcraft? Where was that Sarah Palin at the debate???" McCain cried, weeping real tears.

"I was schooling her, I was prepping her, man! I was like Doctor Frankenstein, creating a new nightmarish Vice President, someone with the dopiness of Dan Quayle, the scary possibilities of Dick Cheney for a President Palin, and the irritating condescension of your fifth grade teacher, and she went and messed that all up!"

Asked what she did wrong, McCain took a short nap, then woke up suddenly and snapped, "She's gonna ruin my 8-year vacation I had planned in the White House! With all of those promises to fix things and help people and all of that sissy anti-war stuff, she made herself look good enough to be elected to office! I didn't pick her as my running mate for that! I was supposed to get into the White House like that Bush guy and do nothing for eight years, just like him! Now if we win, we're actually gonna have to live up to all of her dumb ideas, gosh darn it!"

Palin couldn't be reached for comment, as she was single-handedly solving global warming in the South Pole, inhaling all of the noxious gases plaguing the continent.

Considering Alaska is much closer to the North Pole, McCain might still have some hope, after all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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