New Dirt In World's Longest Political Race

Funny story written by Jake Calhoun

Saturday, 13 September 2008

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The 2008 Presidential campaign droned on today with more, yes more, shocking personal revelations and allegations. The Longest Presidential Election Ever, which began sometime in the early 21st century, is also The Most Annoying Presidential Campaign Ever.

McCain's staff today released information on an incident in 2003 when Obama didn't wash his hands after using the Senate Restroom. Obama responded by denying the incident and charging that McCain doesn't love his mother. Roberta Wright McCain, 196, responded by bursting into tears.

"He's dirty, a dirty, dirty man," McCain said of Obama. McCain recalled an encounter with his future opponent in the Senate Restroom. "I happened to have been in one of the stalls, not Larry's stall mind you, and Cindy wanted Mexican last night so I was going to be there for a while, you know?" After being pressed by reporters for less detail, McCain said that he saw Obama use one of the urinals, zip up his pants and leave without washing his hands.

Obama spokesperson David Plouffe ridiculed the allegation by telling reporters, "McCain must think the Senate Restroom is McDonald's or something. I've never seen a sign in there that reads, 'Employees must wash hands before returning to work.'" Plouffe later told reporters that while he has never actually been inside the Senate Restroom, he had been assured no such sign exists.

The charge comes on the heels of last week's 'White Pants Incident' at an Obama rally in Cleveland. The Democrat went into a Porta-Potty at the outdoor event and emerged with several stains clearly visible on his white pants. Obama initially said it was back-spray from washing his hands. Reporters, however, converged on the portable facility and discovered there was no running water.

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was seriously injured when the media rushed to the scene and toppled the fiberglass structure. The combat-ready Rivera was inside the Porta-Potty at the time. Rivera is being treated for several broken bones and will be operated on tomorrow morning to replace his self-esteem. Fox News has denounced their rivals at CNN for allegedly re-playing the tragic accident repeatedly. 612 times.

Plouffe responded to McCain's latest negative ad by disclosing that McCain does not, in fact, love his own mother. Reporters were shown a grainy videotape of McCain speaking with his mother on the telephone. McCain can be clearly seen ending the call without saying, "I love you."

McCain drew criticism ten years ago when he left his mother at a rest stop on I-10 in Texas during a family trip. The elder McCain, spent three days at the isolated New Mexico rest stop until she was reported missing by a neighbor. McCain later revealed he mistook a family pet for his mother in the backseat of the car. When questioned further on the 1998 incident, McCain stated it was a "personal matter that is none of your damn business."

The new Obama ad, "He Doesn't Even Love His Mother ...What a Pig' will begin airing tomorrow in key battleground states. Media critics have long denounced the negative ads which are getting progressively more foul in nature. McCain newest attack ads replace their current campaign, "Obama Will Sell Your White Children To African Drug Lords."

The Palin team also shot back at her rival, Joe Biden. Appearing before reporters while preparing some road kill for skinning, Palin accused Biden of being a "Caucasian Homosapien," a reference to the senator's childhood in Delaware which, Palin reminded reporters, "rhymes with underwear."

Biden earlier told reporters that the Republican nominee once placed an order for 12 pizzas to be delivered to someone's home as a prank. Biden called the incident, "repugnant and ungracious, a pre-meditated criminal act which scarred one young family forever, and caused financial hardship on the local economy."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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