In a decision that legal experts have referred to as "colossally confusing" and "precedent-setting in its dumbness," the U.S. Supreme Court found, in a 5-4 ruling, that the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution only applies to people found guilty of raping a child.
"I think they got their cases mixed up," said a shocked Harvard Law Professor, Alan Dershowitz. "They had two separate cases -- one on the right to own a gun, and another on whether or not the Constitution allowed the death penalty for people convicted of raping a child -- and they somehow morphed into one, giant, screwed-up decision."
In the opinion for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote, "The Constitution clearly intends for the Second Amendment to be for self-protection, and who needs that more than a group of people who are wrongly threatened with death by the State? Pretty much everybody else is safe, so they don't need those protections."
Justice David Souter, also in the majority, wrote that the ruling "protects child rapists from cruel and unusual punishment, something guaranteed them by the Eighth Amendment."
Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in dissent, "What the hell are you talking about? Can we at least also give the kids guns so they have a fair chance to be protected from cruel and unusual punishment?"
The ruling was strongly criticized by both the political right and left in the U.S. The National Rifle Association denounced the ruling in a statement that read in part, "We're glad Chuck's not around to see this."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, in a speech on the House floor, said, "This is the danger inherent in the pro-gun lobby. Because of peoples' obsessive desire for self-defense, all this is going to lead to is more and more people raping children just so they can legally carry a gun."
As the gun ban for everyone except child rapists takes effect immediately, the government is asking citizens to send all their guns to Washington, DC in a box marked "for child rapists."
