In an effort to demonstrate that though forgotten in the Iraq war tumult, he is never-the-less still completely insane, John Ashcroft, US Attorney General, has endorsed a Constitutional Amendment which would require all Americans to convert to Pre-millennium, fundamentalist, evangelical Christianity including speaking in the tongues at least three times a week.
"The moral fiber of the American people is decaying before our eyes. Men and women, young and old, all colors, all creeds have seen a decline in popular discourse. Radio and television spew words and venom which twenty years ago would have landed you in jail. The time for reform is now! Therefore, I propose the 27th amendment which will be called the "Being a Christian and Speaking in Tongues Amendment."
The penalty, Ashcroft said, for not complying would be death by stoning. Ashcroft seemed confident to the point of smugness when asked whether he thought enough state houses would vote to ratify the amendment. "I suppose they will," he smiled, "unless they want the forces of hell unleashed upon them."
At that point he began to speak in tongues, "abba gagga gabba bagga bagga wagga woondoo, fluggie montungo gagga gabba wagga."
