Washington, DC - For the first time in its history, the U.S. State Department has just issued a travel advisory warning Americans not to swim along all domestic and international seashores, ocean coastlines or excessively salty inland estuaries.
Perhaps yet another sobering sign of the dangerous times we live in as the State Department has confirmed that al-Qaeda has been secretly training sharks to attack Americans. Only the news comes late among the reported deaths of two Americans in as many weeks by shark attack.
"We have obtained information confirming that the recent shark attacks on American citizens involved sharks that were trained by al-Qaeda," said a spokesman for the state department. "They have succeeded in training the world's most deadliest, efficient and effective eating machine on our planet, the Great White shark, to stalk and attack Americans swimming off any shoreline."
Apparently, al-Qaeda has been recruiting and training Great White sharks at their new secret underwater terrorist training base in the Prussian Gulf, confirm government officials.
"We believe that al-Qaeda is taking full advantage of global warming and is using it as a propaganda tool to recruit disgruntled predatory aquatic species to attack unassuming Americans," continued the state department.
"I don't believe Great White sharks can be conditioned to overcome their natural instincts to hunt for seals to seek out, hunt down and attack only Americans for their preferred food source," said Alex Hamilton, Professor of Marine Biology at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight. "Any attack on Americans, or humans in general, has to be mistaken identity. Sharks are simply not motivated by politics, just hunger."
Officials at the State Department, however, disagree with Professor Hamilton's assessment and insist that they have the evidence to back up them up.
"We have classified digital footage obtained from our specially trained Navy's elite dolphin counterstrike anti-terrorist team alpha-beta force," said the state department.
Pixilated images taken from inside the al-Qaeda underwater terrorist camp show a Great White shark attacking a human dummy wearing a cropped Britney Spears Toxic Tour t-shirt, while being trawled behind an Iranian Navy speedboat.
Enhanced close-up photography clearly shows Arabic inscription scrawled in tattoo artisan style across the midriff of the apparently American effigy that translates into: "All infidels must die!" and "We love you Britney! Good luck in rehab!"
The specially trained Navy's elite dolphin counterstrike anti-terrorist team alpha-beta force has since been redeployed from its recon mission and outfitted with full metal jackets, said a spokesman for the military.
All of which were immediately removed, sadly not before several of the elite team members drowned.
"They are now outfitted with the latest in weapon technology, laser guided hollow tipped anti-shark rocket propelled gun spears (LGHTASRPGS)," said a spokesman for the surviving elite team members. "And each with their own individual GPS tracking systems, too. So that way we can recover the dolphins more quickly, the next time they go AWOL."
Upon visual confirmation, a few jumps through a hoop and a sardine for positive behavior reinforcement, they will not hesitate to engage the enemy with extreme prejudice, said a government official.
