California Democrats "purify" Delegates

Funny story written by Walt

Thursday, 10 April 2008


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Snow White & Black Knight. Purist of the Pure.

California, USA: campaign operatives for Sen. Obama & Sen. Clinton set to work ensuring that only true supporters may become official delegates from the State convention and go on to the Democratic national meeting in Denver, Colorado. Both candidates want to make certain that each & every one of their "pledged" delegates will actually vote for them during the nomination process.

As Clinton often points out, there is no such thing as a genuine pledged delegate, who is in some way bound to a candidate, because any person with credentials can vote for whomsoever he or she wishes or fancies--and there is no subsequent method of discipline.

A barber who works near the Statehouse in Sacramento commented that the California convention will select 134 delegates for Clinton and 107 for Obama, and it is important that all of those 241 people are Democrats, and that each person assigned to one of the senators actually is a supporter of that candidate. Snipping away, the barber pointed out that in a state where the governor was an Austrian actor out of Hollywood, it's tough to tell what types of imposters might pretend to be Democrats at the convention.

A reporter who was waiting for a haircut offered the idea that some movie reviewers were of the opinion that the "governator's" movie career actually showed that he had been a politician for 25 years while pretending to be an actor. The barber said, "Well, Saint Ronny Raygun did very well at pretending to be both a governor and a President while also pretending to have been a New Deal Democrat, a union leader, and an actor."

A Native American, who is a lobbyist for the timber industry, surmised that a few Ron Paul supporters, McCain followers, and Ralph Nader greeners might consider it funny and meaningful to show up in Denver and cast a ballot for their Main Man. That little bit of political trickery would generate a great deal of media buzz as a sideshow and detract from the news impact of the national coverage. He said, "Clinton knows the right-wing conservative conspiracy would pay a lot of cash to hire a professional turncoat who could finagle a way in to the Democratic Convention."

An Indian, who works in Silicon Valley and came to the capital often for regulatory hearings, mis-understood the distinction between "purify" and "purity" in English. The barber explained that the latter meant one who was, in fact, already "pure," and the former meant someone who could be "purified" or made "pure" as a process.

A Mexican, from the consulate, noted that California, el Nord, also would send 71 superdelegates and 129 other delegates who will be selected in May based on the primary election process. Whether all of them were pure, or could be purified, was a matter of doubt. "The Democrats don't have party discipline," he said. "They can't agree on guns, God, abortion, immigration, or Iraq. What purity test could they possibly have?"

Loosening the clip and carefully flipping away the barber cloth, the haircutter asked, "Well, Mr. Nada, what's your take?"

Standing up, the newly shorn said, "Hi gents. I'm Ziff Nada, noted columnist and guru of punditry. There can be only one true test of a pure Democrat and that is a seething, venomous, gut-wrenching, vicious hatred of the lying, thieving, war-mongering, criminal bastards who masquerade as Republicans. In my opinion, and it is a very worthwhile opinion, there has not been a Democratic Party candidate since Lyndon Baines Johnson, thirty-sixth President of the United States, who could really despise and properly excoriate the scumbags on the other side of the aisle."

Pulling out his wallet, Nada handed the barber a $50 bill and said, "Keep the change, Don Figaro. The string of liberal pussycats since 1968 has been an embarrassment to the heritage of the Democratic Party. Obama doesn't have the balls and Clinton doesn't have the boobs to go after McCain and call that phony what he really is. Instead, they make nice with that jackass and attack each other over stuff they actually agree on."

Nada moved to the coat-rack and pulled on his blue blazer. "Obama's purity test will probably be that the potential delegate has to believe in change . . . small change, like fives, tens, and twenties for his campaign. Clinton's purity test will likely be that the potential women delegates have never done fellatio and the men have never cheated on their wives. What horsecrap. Purity!" And Ziff Nada strode purposefully out the door on the way to his chauffered mini-van.

"Democratic purity test," Nada muttered to himself. "Now there's a triple oxymoron not even worthy of a column."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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