Christopher Walken Accused Of Being "Bad Tipper"

Funny story written by DJR

Thursday, 29 April 2004

image for Christopher Walken Accused Of Being "Bad Tipper"
Walken during "Ladies Night" at Carlos' Eatery.

April 29, 2004 (Hollywood, CA) -

Actor Christopher Walken, star of such films as "Suicide Kings," "True Romance," "Catch Me If You Can" and "The Deer Hunter" (for which he recieved an Oscar), was charged Wednesday afternoon for not paying his dinner bill at Carlos' Eatery, a four star restaurant located in Hollywood, California.

Walken, who denies the allegations, was released from prison on a $50,000 bail this morning. His official statement:

"Stealing... what is stealing?... Would stealing be... not giving me my fig flavor in the Fig Newtons I love so much?... If a Newton has no fig... it ceases to be a Fig Newton. I stole a pack from the grocery store the other day and they were stale. They tasted like apples. They're not supposed to be 'Apple Newtons.' They're supposed to be 'Fig Newtons.' They're still good, though. I also enjoy skiing and sticking corks in bowling balls."

While his statement has absolutely nothing to do with his situation, restaurant waitress Claire Giovanni was able to clarify:

"He's just such an oddball. Whenever the windows got fogged up, he'd write "Claire is a dirty whore" on them with his finger. He was also a lousy tipper. For breakfast, my tip would be a half-eaten piece of toast. For lunch, a dry cleaning receipt and a Marlboro cigarette. Dinner was always a doozy. He'd ALWAYS have the lobster and leave the claws for me. I didn't mind it, though. Boys will be boys. But sticking Carlos for the bill was going a little too far."

Carlos had no comment, but apparently always got along with the actor.

"Carlos and Chris were good friends," says Claire. "Despite Carlos being the owner, he'd always get a kick out of Chris chucking roadkill at the other customers. From what I understand, they'd go out to the suburbs in the middle of the night, at least once a month, and chop the mailboxes in half. I've never seen them fight over anything. But, I think Chris went a little too far with this one."

Sources say Walken still has yet to seek a new lawyer since he fired his 20-year attorney on Wednesday after the actor accused him of sabatoging his Fig Newtons.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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