A plague-like disease is sweeping the United States, reported the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today. The main victims appear to be first-born male children of moderate Republican voters. Along with the disease, the states have been hard-hit by locusts and other problems of biblical proportion. Miraculously, states won by Mike Huckabee on Super Tuesday have been unaffected.
In the wake of the outbreak, President Bush endorsed Mike Huckabee, noting his true Christian credentials along with his righteous rejection of evolutionary theory: "The Almighty has spoken ... in fact He appeared to me in a dream last night. He said that Mike Huckabee is the chosen one and we must all follow him."
Aside from the disease, various states saw unusual devastation. Montana and a number of other northern states were blanketed with an artic blast of cold. In California the temperature dipped below 40 degrees for half an hour on the beach one day. New York faces another winter storm coming soon, and also endured a parade of New Jersey Giants fans making a mess downtown. Massachusetts, which voted heavily for Romney, blamed the Patriots loss on divine will. "How else do you explain that David Tyree catch," asked QB Tom Brady. "It's obvious the Lord punished us prospectively for voting for that pagan Romney."
Mike Huckabee himself called on Christians to support the sufferers in the afflicted states. He assured the media that he would talk to God in the next couple days, when he can find the time, to see if the Lord will take it easy on Romney and McCain supporters.
Huckabee was asked why Arkansas and Tennessee, which both voted for him, were hit by tornados and numerous deaths. He reassured all that such incidents are normal for these states and had nothing to do with any malice from God. Instead he blamed the prevalence of trailers, noting that he and his family escaped a state-funded trailer after he left the Governor's "mansion."