Modern popular music "really is rubbish"

Written by Simon Cockle

Monday, 4 February 2008

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Generations of adults have always despised the popular sounds of the younger generation. Since the 1950s, parents have criticised contemporary music for being too loud, lacking in substance or lyrically bankrupt. Now scientific research has concluded that, for once, the old folks may be right...modern popular music is "fucking awful."

Professor Kelvin Levy, of Manchester University, has published a study into pop music of the last three years and, based on his analysis of lyrics, chord progressions and rhythm tracks, identified this period as "devoid of any real talent or substance at all." The study, using analysis of over 1500 songs, suggested that current pop music ranged from "bland" to, at times, "total cock".

Levy singled out the current crop of indie bands such as The Wombats, The Pigeon Detectives and The Maccabees as being "a load of sub-Housemartins bollocks". This was corroborated by Professor Dusty Folds, of Harvard, who had identified a similar trend amongst "piss-poor" bands like My Chemical Romance, Funeral for a Friend and Fall Out Boy.

As for a solution to the problem, Levy was unable to provide one. "We can only hope that the next generation has its own equivalent of blues or punk, becomes more experimental or stops listening to mopey tuneless wank like Jack Penate."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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