Maverick Republican makes bid for Eskimo vote

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

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Optimist Ron Paul pins hopes on Eskimos, hoping they will be the one voter bloc with whom he can claim a win.

Congressman Ron Paul is hoping that Eskimos will be the one voter bloc with whom he can claim a clear win on Super Tuesday. While Eskimos are notorious for their unpredictability in choosing presidential candidates, early indications suggest that they may indeed be responding positively to the wily Texan candidate.

Detractors claim that, by banking on such a fickle voting group as Eskimos, the Texan has put himself out of the presidential race by putting himself out on a limb. They also suggest that Ron Paul is publicly and prematurely counting his chickens. Ron Paul's campaign aides, however, tell us that their candidate is 'confident', 'optimistic' and, with regard to chickens, has 'counted them twice'.

There are few polling places in the far-flung reaches of Alaska, and none with central heating, a fact which calls further into question this new claim by the Ron Paul campaign. Still, results can defy the best predictions, sometimes even producing a higher turnout than exist in the local lists of registered voters.

Major polling services do not compile statistics for the frozen wasteland of Alaska, citing as reason the tedium of traversing the endless frozen expanse in ball-numbing snowmobiles, as well as the depressing sight of glaciers on all horizons and the never-ending diet of dried fish.

Still, Ron Paul remains optimistic.

"I think those Eskimos will surprise ya'll. They'll hitch up them dogsleds and come to vote in droves," the candidate told reporters, referring to the Republican 'preferential poll' being held today in Alaska.

As far as anyone south of Canada can guess, this has not yet happened. The Eskimos initially seemed reluctant to venture out of their igloos long enough to cast votes, but Ron Paul's well-funded and thorough cross-Alaska campaigning in snowshoes showed early signs of paying off. Still, with travel conditions and communication lines less than optimal, the true Alaskan poll results may not be nationally known until Thursday, two days after Super Tuesday.

Congressman Ron Paul's son visited Alaska very briefly to campaign for his father and to go snowboarding, as did the son of fellow candidate Mitt Romney. Romney himself made no personal appearances in Alaska, preferring instead to focus his campaign on states that have been longer free from the Earth's most recent Ice Age.

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee, who is supported by Alaska's Save The Whales organization, also skipped a visit north to Seward's Folly, instead sending his wife to campaign on his behalf over the weekend.

Governor Huckabee's campaign staff denies persistent rumors that Mrs. Huckabee's was a non-refundable one-way ticket, but do admit that their candidate was mainly interested in using up the last of his frequent flyer miles.

Even so, these family-member excursions into the local Alaskan campaigning may yet freeze out the hopes of Texan Ron Paul.

Still, Ron Paul remains optimistic.

Tragic Rabbit, USA Tomorrow, Anchorage

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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