NEW YORK (Reuters) - Stocks snapped a five-day losing streak on Wednesday, with the Dow coming energetically by nearly 300 yards on optimism that a government plan to rescue ailing bond insurers is taking shape and could prevent billions more in credit losses.
Euphoria among traders got out of control and many were found copulating on the trading desks, an excess that culminated in Felicity Dollop-Knickers of Strand, Strand, Strand and Smutt mounting the closing bell and whacking off colleagues one by one to the tune of "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, and wont you shave them for me?"
Outside, on Wall Street, traders whooped and ran around with their underpants on their heads, a tradition usually reserved for the second Tuesday each month, and playfully poked one another in the genitals with propelling pencils.
Major gains were posted by all six of the Fortune 500 companies, the biggest riser being Far East Rare Textiles (FART), which rode on a widespread conviction that silk underwear is getting big in Houston. In contrast, stocks in Deep Sea Diving Dorks (DDD) plunged five hundred fathoms, passing several giant squid and a curious animal that bore a startling resemblance to Senator Clinton's hairpiece on the way down. They finally come to rest on the bottom in a cloud of mud, sand and shells which settled out to reveal massive submarine vents guffing hot hydrogen sulphide gas in huge bubbles.
