God charged with rape

Funny story written by Marc Loi

Tuesday, 13 November 2007


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NORFOLK, Va. -- Federal authorities today charged God with the rape of Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Along with rape, the supposed creator of all mankind also faces charges of lewd acts with a child under 14 and crossing not only state lines, but the line between heaven and earth to commit lewd acts with a minor.

Although a move had been long anticipated, it wasn't until earlier this week that authorities finally filed charges, citing lack of evidence as the reason behind the slow-moving process.

"This is the crime of the century," said leading prosecutor Michael Hayden. "It took more than two thousand years, but we've finally done it. We've got a lot to be proud of."

The infamous case started more than 2,000 years ago when young and virginal Mary (last name withheld due to age of the victim) found out one day that she was pregnant.

According to testimonies, Mary was informed by God that he impregnated her so she could give birth to Jesus, the eventual supposed savior to all mankind.

Young and impressionable, Mary and her then-fiance, Joseph, thought nothing of it. In fact, the young couple bought the story, pledging they would carry the baby to term, as it was God's will.

In her diary, Mary struggled with the idea, however - weighing the decision to terminate the fetus that was the product of rape, and saving the world.

Eventually, the young woman decided she would go with the latter. As a result, both she and Joseph became outcast to their families, and eventually settled in Bethlehem where she gave birth to young Jesus.

Although Jesus did grow up to save the world, according to the testimonies of world-famous televangelist Pat Robertson, authorities say said crime is not an excuse.

"The ends does not justify the means," Hayden said. "A rape is a rape, no matter what the intent is. No matter how 'well-meaning' he was, the fact is that God impregnated Mary without her permission, and as a result, is being charged with rape."

Although she's long perished, a family spokesperson told CNN that he is glad justice is finally served.

"It goes to show you, that in the end, justice will prevail. No matter how long it takes, we knew we would finally get the person responsible for the horrendous crime against my great, great, great, super great grandmother to the 24th power."

While Christian groups are working around the clock to raise money for the defense attorney's fee, feminist groups are praising authorities for doing what, they say, should have been done a long time ago.

World-famous feminist Marc Loi said in a release statement that he's glad justice is finally being served, and that people can no longer use religion and "what's good for the world" as a way to be misogynists.

"Let this be a lesson, no matter who you are or what you do, if you're a misogynist, and if you commit crimes against women, you will get your day in court," Loi said in a telephone interview. "No one is above the law, it doesn't matter if you're God. If the authorities don't get you, I eventually will."

While his attorney could not be reached for comment, anonymous sources have reported the defense will argue that because God isn't man and therefore not subjected to the law of earth, that all charges should be dropped.

"He's God, and isn't man," the anonymous source said. "Therefore, he can do whatever he wants. The defense plans to argue that this includes being free to commit genocides and rapes without being charged."

Although a jury has not yet been selected, Los Angeles-based attorney, Gloria Allred, who's well known in cases involving women's rights, said that jury will more than likely find God guilty, citing two overwhelming factors stacked up against Him.

"First, the evidence is staggering," Allred said. "They're all there, and the prosecution does not need to do a lot of work to convince jurors this was rape.

"Second and perhaps more importantly, He doesn't seem to have any remorse in this."

God, in fact, seems proud of his crime, Allred said.

"All criminals, no matter how sick their crimes were, showed remorse," she said. "God, instead, is boasting about his crime, and we have evidence that he even asked his followers to record it in the Bible as a milestone of sort."

"Anytime a criminal does not show any remorse, jurors will more than likely throw the book at him," she continued.

"It's time we send a message," Loi said. "They can argue all they want about how He is above the law, but the truth of the matter is that He is a criminal. He's not only commit murders, and neglected his job, but has also been responsible for the most infamous rape case in the history of man. I hope he burns in hell. Now, that would be something, wouldn't it?"

"A woman's body belongs to no one but herself, I don't care who you are or what your intent is, without an invitation, you do not belong in her body, even if you are God and are everywhere. If found there, we will get you," Loi concluded.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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