The new leader of the Liberal Democrats is a poltergeist, which was ejected from of of the Scottish Nationalist Party for throwing pans at 'loud supremo' Alex Salmond.
The poltergeist, which formerly represented the constituency of Loch McJings West, is said to be the ghost of a sailor who was drowned off the coast of Glasgow in 1863.
Lib Dems party spokesman, Alaistair Bagmonster, said: "This shows that the Scottish Nationalist Party is incapable of leading the country into the 17th century. How on earth do they expect voters to trust them, when they can't even hold on to their own MPs? This poltergeist has worked tirelessly for the party for over three centuries, and it is shameful that it has been thrown out for a minor incident".
The trouble began when Salmond was sitting down to watch television last Thursday, and a porcelain dog, kept on the sideboard, flew across the room, landing inside the Scot Nat's leader's hat - a special 'viewing hat' he keeps for watching television. It then proceeded to dance a jig, whistling the old Scottish tune, 'Ye'll Brech Ma Schreeks Withoot Them Gloaming".
A shocked Salmond told reporters, "Aye, the greekin' heek o' the lowland grules is richt a'ken ma chlutes". On being asked what this meant, he hid behind the couch and started screeching.
Labour Scottish Affairs minister Viscount Moncreith England said, "this is typical behaviour which we've come to expect from Salmond. When confronted with important matters of state, he hides behind the couch, or puts on a stetson and pretends to be Gene Autrey, 'The Singing Cowboy'. It's utter madness".
Scottish Nationalist spokesman on Singing Cowboys, Dr Duke McWayne-Hoedown-Fife-And-Drum, retorted: "Gene Autrey was NOT 'The Singing Cowboy' - it was Roy Rogers. I've got all his videos, so I should know. Have you seen the one where he falls off a cliff and explodes? It's marvellous".
A televised debate between Salmond, the poltergeist and Hitler will be shown tonight on BBC2.