Giuliani: "I Have Never Offered Bribes...I'll Give You Ten Bucks To Print That."

Funny story written by tzdan

Friday, 9 November 2007

image for Giuliani: "I Have Never Offered Bribes...I'll Give You Ten Bucks To Print That."
Giuliani to mime: "I'll give you a twenty if you pretend to be in an invisible box."

MANCHESTER, N.H. - Rudolph Giuliani, former New York City Mayor and the current Republican presidential candidate, is facing some serious allegations after a close friend and business associate was indicted by a federal grand jury.

Rumors are beginning to swirl around the Giuliani campaign, as Bernard Kerik, former N.Y.C. Police Commissioner and personal friend of Giuliani, is facing charges of tax evasion and bribery.

Giuliani held a rushed press conference in New Hampshire, where he is currently campaigning, attempting to distance himself from the Kerik debacle.

"That guy was never even my friend," said a frazzled Giuliani. "In fact, he even tried to bribe me to hang out with him, and I was like No way."

Associated Press reporter Jim Jones then fired a volley of difficult questions at Giuliani, including whether Giuliani had himself offered bribes, evaded taxes, or had any ties to the mob, as Kerik did.

"Well, first let me say that I have never and would never bribe anyone," Giuliani offered with an air of righteousness. He then turned to Jones and whispered conspiratorially, "Hey, I'll give you fifty bucks if you stop asking such tough questions."

"I have offered monetary donations for political favours," said Giuliani, "but that's not bribery, it's called campaigning."

Giuliani then attempted to brush-off the questions regarding tax evasion. "I do my taxes honestly like every other American. If you have any doubts just ask my accountant. He works for an honest Italian-American organization which will remain unnamed."

Giuliani then offered to give the gathered press "a hundred bucks each, if we can just call an end to these silly questions and head to T.G.I. Friday's for some Jello shooters."

Before reconvening to Friday's, Giuliani offered some final remarks. "I promise that when I am elected president, after I pay Obama and Clinton to drop out of the race, I will finally bring some honesty and integrity to the Oval Office."

Giuliani later told a Friday's server that he would "slip her a fiver" if she rushed his hot wings order.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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