Inflammatory Fox radio and television pundit Bill O'Reilly made it clear in no uncertain terms that he seldom, if ever, washes his hands after taking a dump. The loofah-loving right winger claims that such sanitary impulses bespeak an unmanly admission of vulnerability.
"A little retained crap under the fingernails builds character. It strengthens resolve, and exemplifies the value of personal responsibility that makes this the greatest country in the world," he explained, his jowls shimmering with child-like glee.
Co-workers, friends, and fans have noted that they often spot O'Reilly stepping out of a men's room stall, brazenly adjusting his belt, and giving himself a wink and finger-pointing gunshot in the mirror before turning jauntily on his toes and exiting.
Gus Moses, a men's room attendant at the Tusk and Spittle, a steakhouse frequented by conservatives and their assorted buttoned-down hangers on, noted that O'Reilly occasionally fingers through the complementary mints, selecting a few of the pale pink ones as he leaves.
"He hates those light blue mints," Moses explained, arranging a row of men's cologne bottles from tallest to shortest. "But he'll dig for a minute or two to get them red ones. Then he tosses me two bits and tells me to keep 'fighting the good fight,' whatever the hell that means. I let that quarter just hit the floor. He probably thinks I got no hand-eye coordination but I just don't want to catch a quarter that's got traces of minty shit on it."
If he's feeling especially entitled, O'Reilly also apparently fails to flush the toilet, and has announced with pride the heft and composition of some of his more significant "deposits".
Columbia University psychology professor Dr. Asa Millvene explained that many people with a delusional sense of self worth who revel in the faux power bestowed by an audience of mentally enfeebled, media-dependent sycophants are intentionally negligent with their hygiene.
"They see a parallel to their adherents in their feces," said Millvene, "a vile product of their own persona that, instead of needing to be cleansed, should be coddled. I wouldn't be surprised of Mr. O'Reilly's underwear looks like a four-car pileup."
While still unconfirmed, several laundry drop-off services operating in proximity to Mr. O'Reilly's home and office maintain that his skidmarks are indeed proverbial strips of bacon.
