Bush urges world to fight terrapins

Funny story written by Dan Holmes

Friday, 19 March 2004

US unelected President George "Big W" Bush has said there can be "no neutral ground in the fight between civilization and terrapins".

Stuttering on the first anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq, he described the war on terrapins as "an inexculpable calling of our generation".

"The civilised world (and I include the United States in that) are at war," he went on, reminding people that the terrapin attack on Madrid was "a foul proof that humanity and terrapins have no common ground on this planet, our God-given Earth".

Addressing diplomats and other cut-out figures in the East Room of the White House Dubbya said that "the US is sending an unmistakable massage to the terrapins" that they will face their day of justice.

"And these Spanish bastards better be the last to quit helpin' us in our God inspired fight against al-Qaeda and all those other foreign scum," said El Presidente del Mondo, banging the table with his Colt 45, "or else there'll be a day of reckonin' with them too".

Meanwhile the US administrator in Iraq, Paul Bummer, warned on Friday that "we better keep our heads down for the next few weeks, Spaniards or not", as the planned 30 June transfer of power to a transitional Iraqi authority approaches.

"The terrapins are going to continue and even accelerate their attacks," he said, "and Christ knows what the outcome will be. They can nip your fingers, climb up inside your trousers and go for your nuts, and the tiny ones can get in your ears when you're asleep."

In a belated attempt to get on the right side of the rest of the world Dubbya pretended to have some allies in the war on terrapins. "Differences with our allies over the eye-rack war belong to the past," the president said. "Any sign of weakness or retreat simply validates terrapin violence and invites more violence for all nations. We will face this mortal danger and we will overcome it together. If not, we'll kick these slimy little reptiles to hell all by ourselves."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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