Academy Awards cancelled amid fears of pro-Bush speech

Funny story written by Doug Powers

Friday, 27 February 2004

image for Academy Awards cancelled amid fears of pro-Bush speech
Pro-Bush threat "definately not coming from Alec Baldwin", according to Academy investigators

The 77th annual Academy Awards are still over three months away, but have been indefinitely postponed after officials learned that a nominee may show support for President Bush in an acceptance speech.

The identity of the Oscar nominee who is under suspicion of being pro-Bush isn't known, nor if the threat of showing support in an acceptance speech would actually be carried out, but Academy officials have deemed the reliability of the information credible enough to warrant cancellation of the program.

"This sort of behavior will have no place at an apolitical event like the Oscars", according to an Academy official who wished to remain anonymous.

An official statement released by the Academy of Arts and Sciences spelled out the reasoning behind the cancellation:

"The fine actors and actresses who grace this stage are expected to behave with decorum, decency, and voice their opposition to all war and tax cuts, have a profound interest in freeing the Tibetan people, believe that meat is murder, Bush stole the 2000 election, support the ramming of whaling vessels, oppose medical testing on animals, are pro gun control, anti logging, demand freedom for Leonard Peltier, loudly denounce the shafting of Native Americans, want a ban on fossil fuels and nuclear weapons, fly their private 747's thousands of miles to attend summits on ozone depletion, want free medical care, spray paint fur coats, and encourage everyone to worship L. Ron Hubbard."

"Anything other than these common principles is simply political grandstanding, and will not be tolerated. Once this pro-Bush individual is identified and the proper precautions are taken, we will consider the rescheduling of the Oscars."

Network executives suggested airing the program on a ten minute delay--Enough time to erase any offensive pro-Bush propaganda should it arise, but Academy officials balked, not wanting to take any chances.

Representatives from the Academy are poring over the guest list for the event, using the process of elimination to weed out potential threats. First on the list was Alec Baldwin. The staunch Democrat and activist actor was cleared as "Acceptance speech friendly".

According to an Academy spokesperson, "We're doing out best to clear people, but until this rogue actor is rooted out, none of us are same from pro-Bush rhetoric."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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