Senator Larry Craig Denies Resigning

Written by Anthony J Nowak

Monday, 3 September 2007

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In a seemingly not uncommon political reversal, Senator Larry Craig (R - Idaho) held a press conference to address news reports he has resigned from the US Senate.

Stating he was seeking to "once again set the record straight", Senator Craig announced that he never meant to resign, and that his initial declaration of leaving the Senate was done "accidentally, under pressure" and was nothing more than an attempt to stave off "yet another witch hunt by the media."

"I have not resigned, I have never resigned from the US Senate", Mr. Craig declared. "My initial announcement that I plan to leave the Senate September 30th was nothing more than an attempt to make all the negative media attention surrounding me just 'go away'. I made a mistake, and for that, I apologize."

Larry Craig's apparent reversal of his earlier statement has sent shock waves throughout Washington DC, the state of Idaho, and especially fellow Republicans in the Senate. "It's like nothing I've ever seen before," stated Senator Mitch McConnell (R - Kentucky), the Senate Minority Leader. "It is apparently now 'classic Larry Craig'."

Other Republicans echoed similar sentiments, with expressions ranging from utter dismay, to confusion, to visible frustration. "Now I've seen it all," steamed Trent Lott (R - Mississippi), the Republican whip. "Larry Craig changes his position like President Bush changes Cabinet secretaries."

The Senate Ethics Committee, initially slated to meet on the allegations surrounding Senator Craig's Minneapolis airport bathroom sex scandal, will now apparently also address the first known issue of "resignation recantation" in the history of Congress. Congressional historians have so far been unable to find any other reported case of any member of Congress resigning accidentally then declaring they are no longer resigned. "It's definitely uncharted waters," Senator John McCain (R - Arizona), and presidential candidate said to reporters while on the campaign trail. "It certainly will be interesting to see what the Ethics Committee rules on this. But whatever decision they make, I feel it should be honored, so that at least some aspect of the Senate retains its integrity."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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