In a development which could further erode President Bush's already subterranean approval ratings and thus cause the terrorists to win, Americans are increasingly unable to recall why they're supposed to hate the French. These sentiments expressed in interviews with typical Americans tell the horrifying story:
"The French? I think we're supposed to hate them because they're so arrogant. They demand to be spoken to in their native language everywhere in the world. Not only that, they actually mock the locals' difficulties with that language. But we Americans do all that, too. So as to why we hate the French...I'm gonna need a little time on this, OK?" - Hugh G. Rection, Chicago"Well, they were against the Iraq war. They said Iraq had no WMDs, no connection to 9/11, was actually hostile to Al Quaeda...so the French were right all along. Still - they don't have to be so damn smug about it!" - Anita Goodlay, San Francisco
"Sure, France won the American Revolution for us, but what have they done for us lately?" - I. Seymour Kuntz, Seattle
"A lot of the French are mimes. I'm not sure why that's bad, but it is, somehow. And they wear those silly hats - 'berets', I think they're called - that make them look like fags. Um, wait - our soldiers wear berets too. Never mind." - Clem Whitetrash, Nashville
"The French are lousy at fighting wars. They got their asses kicked in Vietnam...uh, that's really not the best example I could have chosen, is it?" - Lance Boil, Boston
"I owned a French car once. A Renault. God, what a piece of shit that thing was! I spent 3 times more to repair it than to buy it. I kept a bicycle in it so I'd have some way of getting home when - not 'if' - it broke down. So that could be a reason to hate the French, I suppose: they make horrible cars. Almost as bad as GM or Ford." - Dan Pantload, Los Angeles
"The French secretly control everything in the world. Plus they kill Christian children and use their blood in their Passover rituals. Uh, wait - I meant to say it's the Jews who do all that. Hmmm...Hold on! I just remembered - some French ARE Jews! So it's just like I said!" - Billy Bob Schicklgruber, Dallas
Sentiments such as these caused alarm at the highest levels of our government, and President Bush called a press conference at the White House to address the crisis.
"As I said before, if you're not with us, you're against us." the President said. "Furthermore, if you're with those who are against us, you're against us. And if you're not against those who are against us, you're with us - uh, I mean, if you're with those who are against us, you're with us...wait. I'm gonna start over, OK? If you're against those who are with those who are with us...something about the French was supposed to be in here, I think - who wrote this shit, anyway? Perle? That fucking kike has made me look stupid for the last time! Find him and send him to Guantanamo!" The President then stormed off in a rage.
White House press secretary Dana Perino then took the podium to unravel the President's remarks. "He means that this War on Terror wouldn't be complete unless we have some designated nationality to hate. After all, that worked in Germany in 1938. Only by keeping all you sheep in a permanent state of rage against an utterly irrelevant country - which until further notice is France - can we hope to misdirect your attention from such things as a 'War on Terror' which couldn't be doing a better job of actually HELPING terrorism if it were deliberately trying to.
Thus, we today announce the formation of the U.S. Department of Reminding Americans Why They're Supposed to Hate the French. Anti-French Re-education Camps will be set up in every American city with a population of more than 10,000. Any person over the age of 8 caught not attending will be executed. In the meantime you'll find French-Hate study material in your mailbox. Learn it. You WILL be tested. And if you flunk the test - well, just don't, that's all. Thank you and God bless America. And fuck the French."
