In news that will bring a sigh of relief to millions of passengers throughout the Civilised World, United Airlines today announced measures that will greatly reduce waiting times at airports throughout the United States and Europe.
Speaking from his home in Austin, Texas, Bill Vincent 54, Head of Federal Aviation Security declared,
"I can today announce that from now on check-in times at U.S. airports will be reduced from an average time of 1 hour and 30 minutes to a far more reasonable 20 minutes. We are aware how frustrating heightened security has been since the attacks of 9/11 and we can only thank the great American public for their amazing patience."
Our International Correspondent, Peter Musgrove, asked Mr Vincent how it would be possible to reduce security checks whilst maintaining passenger safety.
"Throughout the last six years we at United Airlines, in collaboration with the American government, have studied the terrorist threat at great depth. We have concluded that it is ridiculous spending hours and hours checking all passengers hand luggage for harmless items such as razors, mouthwashes, camera's etc, when what we are actually looking for are bombs. We believe we now know what a bomb looks like and have issued the photo above to show our customs officials and the public at large, what to look out for."
He continued, "We have also decided to search only Asian and African looking passengers. There are occasions when Political Correctness can get in the way of progress. Let us be honest for once. White Anglo Saxon Protestants aren't out to get us but the Gooks and Fooks are. We intend to have a color chart displayed in all our airports. For a general rule of thumb we have said that anyone darker than Dolly Parton will have to undergo the usual security measures. Anyone lighter will be able to go past. We have decided to call this the 'Parton Pardon'."
Our paper "The Spoof" and our sister paper "The Sun" applaud this brave move from the United States Aviation Security Council and believe the Timothy McVeigh incident was a one off that could never possibly happen again.
