Bush: Vote for Me and Kill Yourselves
Saturday, 31 January 2004
President George W. Bush has unveiled his novel plan to fix Social Security and Healthcare in the United States. The President was quoted as saying, " The plan is very simple. First, all the old and sick people vote for me, that's very important. Then, as soon as I've won the election, they all kill themselves. That way, we barely have to fund Social Security at all and if there are no sick people left, existing Healthcare dollars will be more than enough.
Unnamed Administration source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, " Of course, we don't want all the old and sick people to kill themselves...that would be crazy. Anyone who can afford to live till they're ninety on their own dime are more than welcome to hang around. It's really just the poor people and Democrats we'd like to get rid of. Of course, if the rich old people would sort of keep themselves out of site, we'd be grateful. I mean, old people are pretty ugly and they smell funny sometimes."
As with any new proposal by the President, there would be significant exceptions. Arizona Senator John McCain would be killed immediately, whether he wants to die or not, just because, in the words of John Ashcroft, " Any Republican that tells the truth, even sometimes, just can't be trusted." Supreme Court Justices David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sandra Day O'Conner and John Paul Stevens would also be killed outright. On the other side, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Charlton Heston and Billy Graham would be kept on life support indefinitely, to be carted out and displayed at future Republican rally's.
"It's a good plan," remarked Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, " We think it addresses all the Administrations budget problems. The money we save can be used to fund all sorts of projects...clear cutting National Forests, oil drilling in ANWAR,
you know, the good stuff."