In yet another dramatic election move, the United States Supreme Court has stepped in and awarded the hard fought 2004 Democratic Primary to none other than the current Republican President, George W. Bush. This means President Bush will be running against himself in the 2004 general election.
Spokesman for the Court, Justice Antonin "Tony the Fixer" (as he likes to be called) Scalia explained, "This here thing was dragging out way too long. Capeche? We just needed to help them do the right thing."
Democrats across the USA immediately cried foul. However, White House Spokesman Scott McLellan was quick to quell any dissent. "People, we've got a war on terrorism to continue to fight here. You Democrats really need to show a little more patriotism," he rebuffed.
The vote to award the Primary to Bush was unanimous; however, only Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Rehnquist voted, with the rest abstaining. "I guess I made them offers they couldn't refuse," quipped Scalia.
When one reporter questioned Justice Scalia on the Constitutionality of such a decision, Scalia snapped, "Maybe you want to mind your own f***ing business, amico." The reporter was quickly ushered away by two very treacherous looking "gentlemen."
Pundit Robert Novak in a comment typical of his experienced political prowess, stated, "I think this gives the President at least a 50-50 shot at reelection."