Big Brother returns to television screens this week with a show that producers say is bigger, better, lewder and louder and more shocking than ever - but without the racism, of course.
The last series of BB was famous for the row between big-mouthed slug Jade Goody and Miss World Shilpa Shetty, and Channel 4 executives have made sure this series does not court the same kind of negative criticism. This time, they say, there will be no 'foreigners' in the House.
Peter Kristelnacht of C4 scheduling, said:
"Zer vill be no foreigners in zis series. Zey are too much trabble."
Civil Rights groups have said the selection of contestants according to their skin colour or ethnic background amounts to outright racism.
"Yes it does, doesn't it?" said Kristelnacht smugly.
The housemates will have to put up with all kinds of quirky changes to the set-up, such as a swearing ban, a smoking ban, a "talking about filth" ban, and will have to have a camera inserted in their anus, so that the public can witness, first hand, what each contestant has been eating as it exits their body.
The House has been repainted and things have been moved around, but, essentially, it will be the same old bullshit, with narration by that same Geordie twat whose name I could not even be bothered to research.
In a new change though, the public vote-casting system will also be cheaper this series, with voters being charged only 25p per call rather than the 50p of the past.
Channel 4 Finance Chief David von Rippemoff commented that:
"It was time to stop cheating the public with an unnecessarily expensive system. It will still be rigged though."