Figures published today have shown that most 17-24 year olds spend their lives drunk. It has also revealed that more and more of our young people are going the same way.
"This is a terrible state of affairs", said a young person worker. "I remember the days when I spent the weekend whacked off my brain on other things apart from just alcohol. I think they are mad to put all their eggs in one basket. They should try to spread their substance abuse about a bit more to prevent addiction to one thing."
Doctors have said that the rise in alcopops and sweet alcoholic drinks encourage young people to drink. A spokesman for the campaign for under age drinking tried to tell us that this was rubbish but instead told us that we were his best mates and would we like some of his kebab.
Police chiefs have said that most of their officers have found more than 100% of arrests are of youngsters driving whilst under the influence.
"They're always pissed and stoned and most of them are dealers but we are planning to crackdown on these rogue officers" said a high up rozzer. " Even so, we've told them top arrest anybody driving a car who is aged 17-24 just in case. You can't be too careful. They're all dirty bastards anyway"