Venerable talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, announced hours ago on his program's flagship radio station, WABC in New York City, that he would seek the Democratic nomination for the Presidency of the United States.
In his announcement, Limbaugh said, "I run to bring compassion and a progressive agenda to the People of the United States. I believe that the Democratic Party would best support my efforts to mobilize this country in the direction of a new national agenda both at home and abroad."
Limbaugh said that among the numerous planks in his campaign platform was the goal of building a 16 feet high concrete wall around the entire country. Such a project he said would put eleven million free loaders to work immediately, virtually eliminating unemployment. To pay for the massive public works project, Limbaugh advocated eliminating welfare entirely, and to prevent inflation, cutting of the minimum wage to $4.50 per hour.
Additionally, Limbaugh explained that the U.S. food stamp assistance program for the underprivileged was contributing to obesity, and that he would end the program. In its place, he would ask Congress for the authority to provide free red beans and rice to every American.
Limbaugh also thought that the best way to deal with the war in Iraq was to annex Iraq as the United States' fifty-first State. Limbaugh said that would free the federal budget from the obligation of keeping a military presence in Iraq and turn the obligation of maintaining order over to the national guard completely. Limbaugh noted that the benefits that the People of Iraq would receive as American Citizens should end any dissent.
"It is far cheaper to buy 'em than to kill 'em," said Limbaugh.
Limbaugh said he would provide a jobs program to the People of Iraq by building a 16 feet high concrete wall around the entire State.
When told of Limbaugh's announcement, Democratic Presidential Candidate and front runner, New York Senator Hillary Clinton, fainted.
Learning of the Limbaugh announcement, Illinois Senator, and strong Democratic Presidential Contender Barak Obama, lit up a cigarette and said, "goddammit!"
The Reverend Al Sharpton, a perennial candidate, himself, was admitted to a New York City hospital this evening suffering from chest pains.