Washington, DC - In a move which caught everyone by surprise, President Bush announced today that he has selected Hector Gonzalez-Sanchez, a forty-seven year old undocumented worker from Guadalajara, Mexico, to replace Tony Snow as White House Press Secretary. Gonzalez-Sanchez has been the president's personal gardener for the past fourteen years. Prior to W's ascent to the White House, Mr. Gonzalez-Sanchez had tended the gardens at the governor's mansion in Austin, Texas.
Though the nominee is illiterate, does not speak English, and is in the country illegally, the president holds steadfast to his belief that Gonzalez-Sanchez is the right person for the job. "Hector is a hard worker, dependable, and most of all, very loyal. He deserves this chance at career advancement. Some people have said that Hector is unqualified because he doesn't speak American, or because he can't read or write, or because he happens to be an illegal alias. That's just wrong. My menstruation is all about inclusion and besides that, I'm the decider! I know what's best for this country." When asked how the language barrier will affect press conferences, President Bush laughed and said "tu necessita saber Espanol, amigo."
A high level administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that the selection of Gonzalez-Sanchez is the result of the Bush administration's inability to find Americans willing to do the job of press secretary, a position which entails facing the brunt of an ever increasingly hostile white house press corps. He further asserted that Gonzalez-Sanchez' inability to understand English will insulate him from the oftentimes virulent interrogative tactics of reporters.
Critics of the Bush administration's handling of illegal immigration cited the president's choice of Gonzalez-Sanchez as perhaps the most glaring example of White House indifference to the issue of America's border enforcement problems.
White House Correspondent