Independence, Missouri - (Ass Mess): Queen Elizabeth is to snub President Harry S Truman's official birthday celebrations in Independence, Missouri on 8 May.
The day will be commemorated without her in traditional style with a simple wreath laying ceremony, a color guard procession and a memorial address. And absolutely no humbug.
The Queen's state visit will instead focus on two days of Special Relationship with the Bushes claptrap.
A paranoia-driven PR campaign has spent almost £50 million on staging the six day choreography that shows a subservient British monarch dancing to a fascist Republican tune.
Some of that taxpayers' cash has been earmarked for the official fee of an emergency stand-in of a Bush lookalike to preside over Monday evening's white tie State Dinner - just in case White House doctors certify that President Dumbass still can't be trusted with so much alcohol, protocol and so many official TV cameras all in one confined space.
"The knife, fork and spoon are challenging enought as it is," said a White House protocol official.
A return match at the UK Ambassador's residence on Tuesday night will see Bush and his entourage face the same protocol dilemma as Old Fatty Mountbatten lords it over the evening's proceedings and palace courtiers lay bets on how long before George Bush soils himself amid all the excitement.
Fortunately some rubber sheeting has been hastily provided to cover the priceless aubusson carpet under the specially designated Presidential dining chair in the Residency's Bodum dining room.
Laura Bush is under sedation.