Washington, D.C.–
In an unprecedented ruling, the Supreme Court has declared that President Donald J. Trump is legally barred from performing any action whatsoever, following a 9-0 decision in the case United States v. Trump’s Entire Existence The ruling, intended to curb what justices called “an alarming pattern of unchecked behavior,” has backfired spectacularly, leaving the President in a particularly sticky situation: he is not allowed to wipe himself after defecating.
The crisis came to a head Tuesday morning when White House staff, unsure how to proceed, issued an emergency call for assistance. With Secret Service agents reportedly “not trained for this level of executive support,” the administration turned to an unlikely savior: billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk.
At approximately 6:45 AM, a massive caravan of police cars—numbering in the dozens, with sirens blaring and lights flashing—escorted Musk from Reagan National Airport to the White House. Eyewitnesses described the scene as “like Fast & Furious, but with more Teslas and fewer Vin Diesels.” The convoy, stretching over a mile, reportedly caused gridlock across D.C., with one commuter shouting, “I just wanted to get to Starbucks, not witness history!”
Inside the White House, Musk, clad in a SpaceX jumpsuit and holding a monogrammed towel, was ushered into the presidential bathroom. Sources close to the situation say Musk approached the task with his signature blend of enthusiasm and existential dread. “It’s not rocket science,” Musk allegedly quipped, “but it’s close.” The operation, dubbed “Mission: Clean Sweep” by White House interns, was completed in under seven minutes, though aides report Musk emerged looking “visibly shaken.”
The court’s ruling stems from a lawsuit filed by a coalition of advocacy groups claiming Trump’s actions—ranging from tweeting to signing executive orders—constituted a “clear and present danger to predictability.” The justices, in a rare moment of unity, expanded the injunction to include all activities, citing “the need for a brief pause in Trump-ness.” Legal scholars are baffled, with Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz calling it “the most absurd overreach since Marbury v. Madison, but funnier.”
The wiping debacle has sparked national outrage and memes galore. On X, #TrumpCantWipe trended for hours, with one user posting, “If Elon can clean up Twitter, he can handle this too.” Another user quipped, “First Neuralink, now Pooplink. Musk’s empire grows.” The White House has yet to confirm whether Musk will remain on call for future incidents, but sources say he’s already designing a “CyberWipe 3000” to automate the process.
Trump, meanwhile, issued a statement via a staffer (since he’s barred from speaking): “This is a WITCH HUNT! Nobody wipes better than me, folks, nobody. I have the best wipes, tremendous wipes, but the radical left courts won’t let me use them. Sad!”
Legal experts predict the ruling will be overturned soon, as even Hillary Clinton admitted the “no wiping” clause was “a bit much.” Until then, Musk remains on standby, towel in hand, ready to answer the call of duty. As one aide put it, “It’s a dirty job, but only Elon’s crazy enough to do it.”
But how long will this bromance continue? Will Musk tire of wiping Trumps derrière?
Yes. And his wiping skill will be deployed when he attacks Trump on social media, then wipes his tweets in shame. That’s the plan. You read it here first!!
