Rooters News Service -
Washington, D.C. – U.S. officials are scrambling to investigate reports that Chinese nationals, secretly embedded in imported solar panels, are poised to infiltrate American kitchens and unplug toasters en masse. The Department of Homeland Security warns this covert operation could spark civil unrest, as beer-guzzling, aspartame-addled Americans, unable to cope with untoasted bread, descend into chaos.
Sources claim these stealth, midget agents, trained in Beijing’s elite “Appliance Sabotage Corps,” can slip out of solar panels under cover of darkness, targeting toasters with surgical precision. The US administration is mulling a ban on Chinese solar imports, fearing a “toastless apocalypse” could cripple the nation’s breakfast routines.
China’s embassy called the accusations “absurd toaster paranoia,” insisting their solar panels are just for green energy. Meanwhile, the FBI urges citizens to secure their toasters and report any solar panels emitting faint giggles or the smell of soy sauce.
Seniors are advised to read their toaster manuals, in case their toasters are attacked. Or call 1-800-no-toast in an emergency.
