Electron Admits to Being a Bit Negative

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 22 June 2021

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“Not” is what Eli the electron’s got - and others can take it or leave it.

Despite being encouraged to feel good about his essential role in the makeup of matter, an election named Eli admitted to being a bit negative.

“I really admire my comrade protons who have such a positive attitude,” said Eli. “And I greatly respect the equanimity of the neutrons I know. But what can I say? I've got a nanobit of blackness at my core - an existential angst, if you will. It’s just who I am.”

Part of what initially rocked his world in the 1920s, says Eli, were the discoveries of quantum mechanics, which revealed that his own place on the universe could not be pinpointed at any given location at any given point in time, prompting the self-reflective electron to question his very existence. Adding to the trauma, recounted Eli, during one particularly cruel physics experiment, he witnessed the death of his friend Schrodinger’s cat. The experience has never left him, says Eli. "I’m against animal experimentation on all levels," he avowed. "Even theoretical."

And, so, regardless of the unmitigated cheerfulness of the other atomic particles in his immediate vicinity, Eli says that he will continue to be his authentic self, negativity and all.

“I can’t be something I’m not,” he said. “And not is what I’ve got. In fact, it’s all I’ve got. Take it or leave it.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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