Los Angeles - (ReUterus): Chapter One: "George told Congress of the day when he had drunk half a gallon of rum listening to Val Doonican all morning in his parked '62 Cadillac, then fallen out on his ass when he saw a rattlesnake on the passenger seat biting his dog, Miss Beazley, on the scrotum".
But this candid admission may have just cost the Republican Party the next presidential election as horrified librarians rally round their Bible Belt pastors to outlaw the award winning children's book by former librarian Susan Patron which contains this offending passage.
The row focuses on the President's bitch Miss Beazley who now turns out to be a male dog complete with all relevant organs.
And evangelical creationist librarians in the US Bible Belt have banned the award winning children's book The Higher Power of Plucky.
Why? Because 9-11 year olds are likely to become corrupted and depraved by reading about 'Val Doonican' who, in their view, stands for all that is sick and immoral in the entertainment industry of the 1960s and 70s.
Now the winner of the prestigeous Newbery Medal has been withdrawn from public school's bookshelves, and petitions are being drawn up to stop Republican Party funding as a protest against insufficient censorship of young children's reading matter.
But the book remains at No#3 in the book charts and is likely to be made into a film next year.
"Val Doonican's only a minor perv, it was high harlequin pattern cardigans that caused most offence to young minds", said a spokesman.