Despite admonitions from friends and family, the downtrodden Britney Spears made plans to ride America's first topless airline, American Spread Eagle. "I've tried everything else, I may as well try this one," the despairing Spears said.
After shaving her head and flying to Guatemala over the weekend, Spears said that she was feeling a little down and needed a pick-me-up. That's when she decided to book a flight on the lascivious airline.
"I need to learn to live in the present," the saddened Spears told interviewers from a cell phone. "I'm usually off in my head thinking about other things, or not thinking at all."
American Spread Eagle likes to inform passengers of their motto, "the journey is the destination" and advertises itself as America's first therapeutic flight featuring: pornographic movies, topless stewards and stewardesses, complimentary tray dances, a pick-up bar and disco, vibrating seats, complimentary Vaseline and KY Jelly, paper towels and cocktails.
Other services not included in the fare price are: hand jobs, blow jobs, movie mates and sex in either your own seat, or the bathroom. At a slightly higher fee and at only certain times during the flight while the automatic pilot can be used for more than 20 minutes at a time, pilots are also available for sexual adventures, in or outside of the cockpit.
"Most passengers who fly Spread Eagle could care less where they are going," said PR spokesperson Swinger Johnson. "And we have eradicated thousands of passenger's fear of flying since 9-11."
Spears didn't say where she might be going, but did instruct her mother not to leave the light on for her.
Paparazzi trying to anticipate Spears' next move, felt like the 25-year-old might be headed for Tibet.
"We think that she may be going to Nepal to seek advice from the Dali Lama and to get away from all the worldliness in the world," Papa John Paparazzi said.
Others felt like she might be going to London, where she would not be able to get away from the worldliness in the world, but she would be able to have a visit with Yusuf Islam, formerly known as the pop singer Cat Stevens and drink a "spot of tea."
In other news today, Britney buys a toboggan. Says it's cold at 40,000 feet.