Albuquerque - (Ass Mess): New Mexico Transportation Department has installed alcohol counselling urinals in 500 experimental sites at bars and restaurants. The 'talking deodorisers' warn patrons that they have pissed themselves and need to mop their shoes before heading back inside for one more swift one for the road.
"Ya dumbass soak, just lookatta mess you made on the shiny new linoleum flooring, ya asshole.
"Just wait til ya ma finds out then there'll be trouble.
"Whaddabout that vomit all over ya shirt, ya jerk, just y'go and wipe it all off before I call the wife and tell her 'bout you an' them bum-boys in the lock-up last Friday.
"And now please wash your hands and hand over the car keys."
A Transportation Department spokesman said today: "We have a big problem here in New Mexico.
"Hopefully some free therapy in the urinals will catch these men before they screw up again. Urine can smell pretty horrible in the midday sun."
The battery-operated devices are produced by New York-based Healthquest Technologies Inc and can be activated by remote-control - for instance by the barman if he notices a patron needing a little pep talk prior to heading home.
They cost $25 and can be installed in a variety of positions to suit local perversions.
