WASHINGTON – Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has long been a proponent of alternative healing, as seen in her online shopping website, goo.com. Now, she will be able to take her message to a much larger audience, as she prepares to be sworn-in as the US Surgeon General.
“I am so happy to be able to introduce my products to the entire nation as the new Surgeon General. I think what this country really needs is a $128 yoga mat, a $40 water bottle or a $120 diffuser,” said Paltrow. “If you act now, I will throw in my special Goop Bundle. 4 essential oils that have a retail price of $100. If the nation feels bloated, I have a cure for that. If the nation needs something to keep their produce in while at the supermarket, I have something for that. Dirty tongue, I can hook you up.”
“And don’t forget, I have lots and lots of sex toys. This is going to be so much fun!”