Local Man Feels Vindicated in the Way He Wears His Mask

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Thursday, 30 April 2020

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(Weston, West Virginia) Flip “Chibs” Teller, local resident here and part-time member of the Wild Yard Sons of Junk Hog Dogs motorcycle gang, had nothing but praise for Vice President Pence when he confirmed that Chibs was, indeed, wearing his mask properly. The revelation came when reports surfaced that Pence, while visiting the Mayo Clinic, refused to wear a mask (even though Mayo Clinic rules require it) saying he wanted to be able to "look workers In the eye" as he toured the facility.

Chibs, a retired orderly from the former Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum (a psychiatric hospital that was once the largest employer in this small, mostly-white town along the West Fork River) said that, ever since the COVID-19 outbreak, he has been made fun of by former residents of the Asylum, as well as the weekend warriors he rides with in the MC.

"None of them sons of bitches wanted to wear a mask," Chibs said, as we started a short phone interview with him. "They all thought it was a liberal hoax, this China virus. Me, I took it seriously, even though I saw where my man, Trump, would not wear a mask."

Chibs continued: "I grew up with masks. The Lone Ranger wore a mask. Batman and Robin, I always thought Robin was kind of cute, they both wore masks. In fact, most of my Superheroes wear masks. I learned how to wear a mask from them. Even that movie a couple of years ago about a bird in a cage, that hot lady wore a mask when she went outside."

Chibs paused, caught his breath, and went on. "So, when this virus thing hit, and I heard on the AM radio that we should all start wearing masks, I did the right thing and started wearing mine to do my part."

We asked Chibs what it was like to wear a mask those first few days. "I could not ride my hog, hell, it was hard enough to walk around town, until I realized that I should cut a couple of holes to see out of." He said. "Then, I found I could not breathe very well, so I cut a hole for my nose. Pretty smart of me, eh?"

Chibs then told us of his weekend rides in the hills with the MC. "Oh, they laughed at me, called me names like 'diaper face' and 'the masked distemper' and 'Joe Tex Kotex', but surprisingly, they put me in the Back Door on the first ride. This is the last rider in the group, and usually for the most experienced. I felt honored, though I kept dropping off, they seemed to be riding much faster than normal that weekend."

"I no longer ride with the club, however," Chibs said reflectively. "They kicked me out when we tried to rough up some people from Texas that came through town. As soon as I approached them, they started laughing uncontrollably, which caused the rest of the MC to laugh. No way we could be considered the local toughs after that,” he said.

Chibs concluded the interview with another shout out to the Vice President. "I really appreciate what the Vice President did at that clinic. He must always wear it properly like I do, and then had the courage to take it off so he could look people in the eyes when talking to the sickly. I am going to have to find the strength to do so as well, maybe when that 'you vee' light thing cures this, or I can get a hold of some Lysol. Plenty of used needles around here from the habits, though most are on the oxy now."

We commend Flip Teller for his proper wear and example set for masks to prevent the spread of the virus in spite of the ridicule. We only hope that more Pence supporters will follow his lead and do the same!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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